Missing at the Zoo

       Dear Olivia,

       Today would've been your first trip to the zoo. If things had gone as I had planned, you would be only a few weeks old by now. With that considered, you probably would've slept through most of this outing! I found myself missing you a lot today. Maybe because today fell into the 'special family outing' category and so my motherly heart just felt incomplete without you here. While driving to Madison, I even looked back several times in the mini-van, trying to imagine your little car-seat there, amongst your brother and sisters. Would I have had to 'shush' them so as not to wake you up? Your big brother would not have understood. Maybe by now, you would have adjusted to his screeeeches and learned to sleep through them.

       We traveled with another family, some of our nearest and dearest friends. While stopping at a restaurant on the way, Mommy's friend let me carry their one-year-old baby girl inside. I loved unbuckling her from her little carseat and the feeling of her weight of against my body. That was a gift to me. I managed to croak out some words of thanks, but I'm not sure my friend could really understand that gift of just letting me hold her daughter. It made me miss you more and less, all at the same time. We used the double stroller at the zoo, although one seat remained empty for most of the time. I thought it fitting though. You should've been there, Olivia, in that empty seat.

       Your sisters were so excited to move from exhibit to exhibit. Your brother though, was just anxious to find a way to get out of that stroller! I think he was tired of being strapped in. I know you wouldn't have minded though, being so little. Would we have taken the snuggly along for you to ride in? Or maybe the baby sling? It was such a beautiful day. Perfect weather for a newborn, really. It was kinda ironic in a way, because it was raining and drearily miserable at home, but mildly warm with sunny blue skies at the zoo. In my version of Heaven, the weather would be just like it was today.

       Your dad and I read many of the signs that accompanied each exhibit, trying to fit in some learning for your sisters along the way. At one particular stop, we watched an American Black Bear roaming around his fake habitat. At about the same time, both Dad and I read that the black bear babies are born weighing less than a pound-and-a-half. I cradled my arms and cried out, "That was about the size of Olivia!" It was amazing to look at that big black bear and think that once upon a time he was just so itty bitty.

       We built some nice memories as a family today. Even though you were not physically here, sweet girl, you were ever present, my thoughts of you intertwined with those memories being made. On our way home, despite some lingering sadness, I remember looking out the window, sunglasses on, warmth on my face and being reminded of my devotional this morning on Deuteronomy 30:19 about a choice that I have. A choice that has been so hard for me to make, to just keep on living and not let myself wither away inside. But I think you would've been proud of me as your Momma today. Because in that moment, even though I was missing you terribly, I said to myself, "I choose life." And that was a great moment, I think. It is only more evidence of how someone so small (you!) has had such great impact, even beyond the grave.

       I'm sure your day was perfect today, as I would think all days in Heaven are. Just know that even though you are gone from this earth, you are not forgotten and are still missed dearly. Especially on days like today.

       Love,

       Mommy

Drumroll please...

By way of a random number generator, the winner of the Hair Candy is...

comment #3:  

stephanie said...

Becki their lovely. You're so stinkin' crafty!

3:01 PM

That's the stephanie from Daily Smiles! (Not to be confused with the Stephanie from Like a Fish Out of Water). So send me your details stephanie and your Hair Candy will be on it's way!

And to answer your questions:

I would love to take orders, but no, I do not have Etsy. I guess I've always been worried that it would just be another thing to have to 'keep up with', if you know what I mean. If something like these hair bows interests you and you find a picture online, drop me an email and I can see what we can come up with!

Hair Candy

It has been quite the stressful week, to put it mildly. Thankfully not particularly grief related stress, but more business/financial stress. That and we dove into our homeschooling year with a 3rd grader and a newly crowned preschooler. What's a girl to do when the stress-o-meter is in the red zone? A whole lotta prayin' of course!

But a little crafty project doesn't hurt either and since I've been wanting to make some of these 'boutique-style hairbows' for quite a bit now, this seemed like the perfect time to do it. I headed over to Hobby Lobby where all the ribbons where 50% off to get some supplies. Armed with a slew of tutorials from this website, a good chick flick, and my design consultant (a.k.a. world's best sister-in-law), I was ready to get creative!

The results?

:: close-up ::

:: the daughters & my niece 'putting their heads together' ::

Some of the ribbon folding (or in my case, finnagling) was a little trickier than I expected, but I muddled through. Unfortunately, one of my creations came a little 'undone' the next day, which I consider a lesson to be learned. The whole idea is a totally-over-the-top accessory that is the icing on the cake of a cute outfit or cute kid, as it were.



I really do love these. Love 'em. I was especially tickled that my four-year-old was just delighted throughout the day to have it in her hair. She even requested to wear it again when we went out later that night. I can't wait to make more, but am waiting until the ribbons go on sale again, of course!

And since I've really felt the love from your comments lately, I am giving one away! This creation (slightly different than the ones above) can be yours for a sweet little girl in your life.


It is attached to a metal french clip, so your girlie would have to have some hair to clip it to (or maybe save it for when she has enough)! Simply leave your name in the comments section to enter. You have until Tuesday at midnight to comment and I will announce the winner on Wednesday morning.

Good luck!

One lump or two?

Yes. I'm still alive. I really don't have much that's monumental to say. It's confusing to be writing posts about parties, recipes, homeschooling or crafts on one day and writing about my emotional pain and grief on the next. I'm not sure if it seems fitting to be mixing those things all up together. There really isn't any better picture though, than to see all those things sitting side-by-side, even if it doesn't make a lot of topical sense. That's my life. It might not look pretty. It might look confusing. But it is what it is. So bear with me as this blog continues as a melting pot of joy, sadness, practicality and creativity. And now, I have some catching up to do....

********************************

What type of birthday does the child of a creative mother have? A non-traditional one, for sure! My not-quite-eight-at-the-time daughter chose an American Girl tea party as her theme. We created our own invitations:


Frugal party games, including musical chairs, ping-pong ball toss, and pin-the-bow-on-the-American-Girl:

Those little white flower papers aren't supposed to be there, but little fingers got to the poster before I could take a picture!

Don't laugh. I'm no artist. I just try really hard. We decorated with pink and white streamers, china tea cups with cloth napkins, pink party plates, and every little girl guest got a small crown. This is a fancy tea party, after all.


For treats, we had chocolate shortbread cookies, elephant ears, and what would a proper tea party be without scones?? Improper, that's what. I had plenty of help, of course.



I made the same scone recipe {Buttermilk Scones from Baking with Julia}, but divided the dough for kids and adults: chocolate chip with cinnamon sugar for the Littles and Door County dried berry scones for the Bigs. I even made a faux clotted cream for spreading on top. Can you gather yet that I used to work at a tea room? The younger guests drank apple juice instead of tea and the adults had java. Did I mention that I made my very first ice cream cake? The birthday girl requested one and....do you know how crazy expensive those things are to buy at the ice cream shop?


The birthday girl received many lovely gifts, along with some cute new things for Mia, her American Girl doll. Here are the two of them sporting their nifty swim gear:


I hope that everyone had a lovely time. I know these guests did:

See that kinda scary looking doll all the way on the left? That was one of my mom's first dolls and the first of it's kind with movable legs!

Tatiana and all the Grandmas. Yes. She has many. At one time, she had 6 living Grandmas!
(from left to right: my step-mom, my Grandma, my mom with Tatiana, and my mother-in-law}

Celebrating my Eight year old blessing,

A Tasty Motto

:: Life is short........lick the bowl!::

Shoulda been

I have scheduled and rescheduled this post so many times that I've lost count. I wrote this not too long after Olivia died, but at the time felt that it sounded very much like I was wallowing in my sea of grief and almost seemed just too sad to publish, if you can gather that. I decided to save it and have actually read it time and time again for my own benefit. So, I am posting it today, August 2, 2009, in honor of Olivia's due date. Even if I am not consumed with the Shoulda beens as much as I was in the early days, I still think it gives excellent insight into the type of grief I've experienced. Here is the post, in it's entirety, which has been waiting for this day:


Once upon several weeks ago, Hubs was having a really bad morning. He was truck driving, but not driving the 'usual' truck & just couldn't figure this 'new' one out. The thing just wouldn't cooperate. So he calls me for some prayer. At 5:58. AM! {You mean people are actually awake & functioning at that hour? But I digress.} Anyways, I pray for him for awhile, then fall back asleep. He calls again at 6:21 AM for more prayer. Yes. It was that shocking to my system that I remember the *exact* time. I told him if this continued all day, I'd have to hire a nanny just so that I could effectively be his prayer warrior. This time, he had gotten the gears figured out {praise God!}, but was upset about how much time had been wasted. He should've been so much farther along than he was. He shoulda been way down the road, but he was only not-as-far along. And what did I have the nerve wisdom to say?



Don't worry about where you should've been. All you can do is focus on where you are now.



I've thought about that morning from time to time, what I told him {those words stayed with him for the rest of the day}, and boy does that medicine taste pretty yucky now! Sometimes my thoughts are filled with Shouldas, especially on Sundays when the 'new' pregnancy week would have started. So this last Sunday it was 'Shoulda been 33 weeks pregnant'. Shoulda been bringing up the bassinet & cleaning up the car seat. Shoulda been planning a co-ed nursery, picking out paint, sewing new curtains. Shoulda still been working on Olivia's middle name {we never did end up giving her one}. Shoulda been getting back massages from Hubs due to pregnancy back pain. Shoulda been cherishing little kicks and bumps and tumbles from Olivia. Shoulda been feeling excited, nervous, happy, anxious.

And then I remember my own advice. There is nothing I can do about where I Shoulda been. Nothing. All I can do is focus on where I am now.

I guess the hard part about doing that is that so much of what I am grieving is what Shoulda been. Since we didn't know Olivia outside of the womb, it is not even so much that I am grieving her, just grieving over.....what Shoulda been, but never will be. I think ahead to her first Christmas. Shoulda been. I think ahead to May 14, 2010. Shoulda been. To all the games of "attack the dad" where there Shoulda been four little bodies piled on top, instead of only three. To girly times together where one of my girls will always be missing. A million Shoulda beens.

Focusing on now means coming face-to-face with the idea that I will forever have an Olivia shaped hole in my heart. Until the day that I die. And that thought is just so, so painful. But it also means, trying to enjoy this moment. Hugging my babies here on earth. Crying when I need to. Laughing when I can. Praying that joy, for me, is right around the corner.


Longing for what Shoulda been~

Eight Years in Pictures

:: 2001 ::

:: 2002 ::

:: 2003 ::

:: 2005 ::

:: 2006 ::

:: 2007 ::

:: 2008 ::

:: 2009 ::

Happy eighth birthday to my joke-telling, rule following, High School Musical loving, bright, beautiful, too-wise-for-her-age, sensitive, thoughtful, little-sibling-adoring, first-born daughter. May our lives be blessed with you for many more years to come!

Same Question...Different Answer

I have developed the habit of asking myself a very pointed question. The same question. Over and over again. Sometimes I ask it in frustration, sometimes in desperation, sometimes in joyful anticipation. But I frequently ask it, especially these days.



What does God want from me?



Six simple words. Always the same question, rarely the same answer. Sometimes He speaks just one word: trust, obey, believe, wait, pray. Other times, it's things like, "Speak my Name while you're visiting so-and-so", "Be still and know that I am God", "Spend more time in My Presence", "Give grace" and so on.

The question is fairly easy to remember and ask, but often more difficult to listen and obey. Then again, no one ever said this was gonna be easy.

Please do let me know if you already have or decide to cultivate the same question asking habit. I'd love for you to share how He answers as well.

Pondering,

Resolutions: Update

Remember this post? Maybe you made one just like it. Or maybe you're not a blogger, but decided to change some aspects of your life in 2009. Well, since the year is more than half over, I thought I'd reflect on my 'resolutions' and see what I have left to complete for the second half of the year. Here are my three resolutions {in case you don't have a chance to revisit my original post} followed by my progress in italics:

Number One: Return to my pre-pregnancy weight before the end of the year.

I have recently decided to try to lose some of my pregnancy weight, which you can follow along with on my other blog, Chronicles of an Almost Healthy Foodie. Although I know I will feel better about myself if I get back to the size I was last fall, I am not going to stress myself out over it. During this season of grief after losing Olivia, I think my spiritual and emotional health are far more important than my dress size. So, I am working towards this goal as we speak, but it is open to reevaluation if need be.

Number Two: Read 12 books.

It is actually kind of comical that I set this goal for myself, as I never was much of a reader, but realize the importance of cultivating a good reading habit, especially as it pertains to setting a good example for my children. I've always been more of a magazine reader {I even love catalogues!}, but never much of a fiction girl. *Insert dramatic life changing events here.* I then decided to maybe pick out a few books, as a simple diversion for my reality at the time and for personal enjoyment, and I haven't looked back. These are the titles I have read so far: Confessions of a Shopaholic, Shopaholic Takes Manhattan, Shopaholic and Sister, The Tennis Party, Remember Me?, The Undomestic Goddess, The Yada Yada Prayer Group (book1), The Yada Yada Prayer Group Gets Down (book2), The Yada Yada Prayer Group Gets Real (book3), Jemima J, Waiting with Gabriel, Holding Onto Hope, and A Symphony in the Dark. That makes 13 books read, which means...resolution complete!! I am already in the midst of The Friday Night Knitting Club, even though I've met this goal. Maybe I formed a new enjoyable habit! **BTW, just because I listed a book here, doesn't mean I recommend it. A couple of these novels were what I deem 'inappropriate' at parts, which I ended up just skipping over.**

Number Three: Try 12 new recipes.

I wish I would've kept closer tabs on this resolution. I pretty much know for a fact that I've only tried one new recipe {Buttermilk Scones from Baking with Julia} in the last 3 months, since cooking meals from scratch wasn't too high of a priority. As I look back though, since the beginning of the year, I have posted recipes for Easy Baked Ziti, Easy BBQ Pork, Artisan Bread, Baked Potato Soup, and Easy Strawberry Shortcake. Does the Peanutty Playdough count too? So, I guess that makes about half a dozen new recipes tried in '09. I did purchase the fixings for another new recipe this week and I *know* that once the weather cools down {a.k.a. will be using my oven much more}, once I start entertaining more, and when Thanksgiving looms, I will be dusting off all the cookbooks. I surely do miss trying new recipes, new techniques, and sharing the results with my friends and family. Maybe if I subscribed to a cooking magazine I might be inspired more often to try new things!


Ok. Your turn. Do you remember what you resolved to change in 2009? Care to share how that's coming along?

Keep. Moving. Forward.~

On Sunday Morning

I had to leave the room.

I'm not exactly sure why. Everyone around me was worshiping and praising. I was just crying. I thought it best to just excuse myself before I really started sobbing and began to distract other people. The songs were, I would say, more devotional than they were uplifting. {What's the opposite of uplift??}

You know how 'they' say that your greatest strength can also be your greatest weakness? Well, sometimes when I start thinking along a certain track, it is very difficult to switch tracks. Sometimes this is a great asset for those tasks that require a lot of focus. Sometimes it is just inconvenient and difficult when the timing is wrong. It's especially difficult to 'change lanes' when that line of thinking involves Olivia. Now, back to my story.

So there I was, already on the Olivia track, with these emotionally intense songs offered for worship, and it was. Just. Too. Much. I quietly left the room and headed for the car. I do have to mention that the Husband, much to his credit, did come after me to make sure I was okay. I wish I could've had better reasons for him, but I could hardly understand myself at the moment.

The weather was so perfect. There was a really big tree in front of me that was somehow calming to look at and I could hear the birds singing. Little did I know that as I appreciated the serene surroundings, He was setting the stage for my own personal time of worship. I opened my Bible to make sure the verse I have come to love was still there. Yep. It was.

I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord! (Ps. 27:13-14)

I love to personalize that Scripture for myself, praying it back to Him and did so that morning as well. HE then led me to 1 Corinthians 15.

...You foolish person! What you sow does not come to life unless it dies. And what you sow is not the body that is to be, but a bare kernel, perhaps of wheat or of some other grain. But God gives it a body as He has chosen, and to each kind of seed it's own body....There are heavenly bodies and earthly bodies, but the glory of the heavenly is of one kind, and the glory of the earthly is of another...So it is with the resurrection of the dead. What is sown is perishable; what is raised is imperishable. It is sown in dishonor; it is raised in glory. It is sown in weakness; it is raised in power.

Even now, as I type, my eyes are flooded with tears at these thoughts. I sat there, riveted, imagining Olivia. Coming to life because of her death. My bare kernel. If you could have seen how broken her little body was, you would be able to truly understand how much these verses mean to me. Her body which perished in my womb...now imperishable. Sown in the ground in weakness. Raised to heaven in power. A glorious heavenly body.

And I received comfort there. Reading and rereading. Immense comfort. When I left for church that morning, I never expected Him to meet me there. But He found me. Sitting quietly in the front seat of a rusty mini-van.

Wordless Wednesday

P.S. I know this is supposed to be 'wordless', but I can't help but add additional details. Olivia's name was written by To Write Their Names in the Sand. You can see Olivia's memory post here.

Talk About It: Close-up

A child photographer frequently sees things differently through the lens than I would. For example:




Everything is a close-up. When I discovered these pictures on my camera, it reminded me of the trip I took last week and this special mirror that was in our bathroom at the inn. I believe it's for applying make-up or other facial treatments and allows you to see all the minute details of your face, close-up. I'm not sure I appreciate being able to see every little hair, crease, and pore! I started thinking about my relationships and relationships in general. How often do I let people get really close? Not physically, mind you, but emotionally close enough to see all the my flaws and imperfections. Nearly everyone looks great from a distance and I'm sure that's true in relationships too.

What about you? How close do you let people come? Always at arm's length? Allow a few close friends in close enough to see your nitty gritty? Too scary to let anyone see the 'real you'?

Anticipating a good chat,


P.S. I'll give my proper response in the comments section....

P.P.S. Yep. That's me smiling in the first picture. That does happen more often these days....

The Ugly

As in, the trio, along with the good and the bad. I know I've been MIA. And now you'll know why. Since the ground beneath me keeps threatening to open up and swallow me whole, I didn't really think you'd want to hear about it. I don't want pity, but judging from some of the kind emails I've been getting {sorry about not responding to those!} I figured that ya'll still care about little 'ole me.

The Vehicles
They have all broken down. On the same day. To pretty much un-driveable status. One has been repaired and cost more to fix than my mortgage payment. The other one, well, it's turned into a three-ring-circus. We thought it was fixed. Then it wasn't. Then it was. Now, it isn't. Catch all that? It is still at the repair shop awaiting some details to be worked out. I guess one working vehicle is better than none. My lawnmower broke last week as well. That was the back-up lawnmower. The first one hasn't been working for some time now. I might really have to buy that goat I've been thinking about.

The Loo
That's bathroom, in case you aren't familiar with UK-speak. It flooded last week. You know that little hole in the sink that's supposed to drain out the excess water if you fill the sink too much? Well, apparently mine doesn't work. A small child brushed their teeth, left the water running a bit, turned off the light and closed the door. Thankfully I was staying up late, but didn't realize the situation until several hours later, after the whole floor, cabinet and drawers underneath, and most of the hallway outside the bathroom door were converted into our own personal indoor pool. I've always wanted one of those. Just not this poor man's version.

The Job
There isn't one. Again. The owner of the dump truck Hubs was driving decided to sell it. I can either consider it depressing or encouraging that I didn't even really cry over this or barely even panic. My honest thoughts were, "Great. Here we go again." I guess when you've been through what I've been through the last few months, being unemployed {with no unemployment check} doesn't seem so daunting. HE has sustained us for the last six months, has carried us through losing our daughter, and I'm sure HE will still be here for wherever this road goes. I am honestly so sick & tired of this specific roller coaster. It is just beyond frustrating.

The Vacay
So considering all that, we did what any already grieving people should do...we took a vacation. That probably sounds totally ridiculous, but it was just what we needed. Not financially, mind you, but spiritually and emotionally. I didn't think I would actually enjoy myself, but there were several times when I was startled by the sound of my own laughter. That hasn't happened in a long time. The kids were in good hands, the scenery was wonderful, the quality time with my husband was even better. We talked. I cried. We gained perspective. We came home ready to face the world again.

So there you have it. Some of the time I am trying not to focus on what I am actually having to walk through. Some of the time I either want to laugh hysterically or cry uncontrollably. Typing all that out just now, it seems like my life is more like the plot to some sordid comedy movie, where a poor bloke who's totally down on his luck ends up seeing his fortune totally reversed. Well, that's what I'm praying for myself anyways {Ps. 126}.

If you've made it this far through my post, you must really love me :>)

Spoon Adventures

That last one is my favorite. Those big brown puppy-dog eyes could melt any girl's heart, especially his Mama's. This kid has some mad spoon skills. It's crazy. He's been eating with a spoon for a couple of months now and he l-o-v-e-s it. His favorite is applesauce. I love his new skill too because a) it frees me up during mealtime and b) even though he makes a BIG mess, he looks so darn cute doing it.

Happy?

Several people tell me that they want to help me walk through this difficult time, but they don't know how. Or they just "can't relate". {And I'm so thankful, in a way, if you CAN'T!} So, perhaps glimpsing grief will help you understand better what someone might go through. Maybe that is part of Olivia's legacy: to teach us all how to be better comforters. Here is today's glimpse:

I have a hard time 'being happy for you'.

That's a pretty standard response when you hear about something wonderful that is happening to someone else, right? You say, "OH! I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU!" For me, some days I have a hard time being happy for myself, period, let alone being happy for someone else. It's not that I would wish something terrible on someone, it's not like that at all. Maybe it's jealousy? I'm not quite sure. I feel like I could say, "Well. I praise God for that happening in your life." But, happy? Um, notsomuch.

I realize that life goes on for other people. What you should know, is that sometimes for me, it feels like life is standing still. Like I'm just spinning my wheels. Some things you just might choose not tell me, like getting a promotion or meeting someone-like-Mr.-Wonderful. For the really important things, it's a matter of timing. If I'm seeming sullen and somber or crying, that probably isn't the best time to tell me that you've just bought your dream house or that *gulp* you're pregnant. To not say anything might not be the best route for these BIG things because when I show up at your door and a stranger answers and says you don't live there anymore, believe me, I'll figure out that you've moved. I'm just smart like that. If you're a blogger, well, timing is a non-issue, really. I'll read it when I read it. If I don't comment, please know that I probably just don't have the right words.

Having new babies is probably the most difficult, painful pill to swallow of all. On the one hand, I am so thankful that your baby is healthy and that your lives have been changed in such a wonderful way. On the other hand, that baby is yours and I just can't help but think, "That should be me." I don't know how I will handle this when it happens. I would hate to plop big salty tears all over your newborn and have my grief as an intruder on your "happy" moment. God, help me.

I hope this all doesn't sound to me-centered. That's not my intention at all. I truly believe in mourning with those who are mourning and rejoicing with those who are rejoicing. It's just that..... rejoicing while you are mourning is kinda difficult. One day, I'm sure I will be able to say it again and really mean it....


...I am happy for you.

A Father's Day Note

Dear Rick,

This probably seems like your typical Father's Day post, where the wives all shamelessly brag on their wonderful husbands, and, in a way, it probably is. But to me, this feels like more than your typical Father's Day. In the weeks since our journey with Olivia began, you have become so much more to me and mean so much more to me now than ever. I think walking through the valley of the shadow of death together has brought a depth to our relationship that nothing else could have. There is no one else that I would've rather had with me in the ultrasound room that day when we got the news that would radically change our lives. I will forever have the beautiful picture of Olivia's head cradled in your hands on the day she was born. The time that you heard me crying in the shower and came in fully clothed to hold me while I wept.......there are no words.

You have loved me as much as any man could and I am honored that God chose you to be the father of our children. Some of my favorite times together are watching the games of 'attack the Dad'. I know those memories are something our children will cherish as well. I can see how much our kids love you by the way they act when they are with you. And although I am secretly a little jealous when they scream, "DADDY'S HOME!!" when you come through the door, I wouldn't have it any other way. You are my ambassador of kwan, man. {LOL}


I am beyond thankful for you~

Hope: An Intro

After reading Nancy Guthrie's Holding Onto Hope, I decided to order The One Year Book of Hope. And Oh, I am so glad I did! I am already hearing the things that I need to and I'm only on day two! The words are so penetrating to my heart that I can't help but share them with you. One year seems like a long time. The longest 'devotional' that I will have ever committed to. I am confident though, that I will come out on the other side with my broken heart bound up and with a sweet intimacy with Jesus unlike any I have experienced thus far.

What touched me from the introduction was one word: manna. After losing her daughter Hope, Nancy's sister-in-law left a message taped to her mirror, "Don't forget the Manna." Nancy explains how the Israelites, while wandering in the wilderness, needed a fresh supply of it daily to sustain them and how we need that same daily sustenance from God. Especially during this time of grief {my personal wilderness}, I feel like I need His strength, compassion, & care, now more than ever. These words especially spoke to me:

I discovered that nothing else really satisfies or soothes our suffering except the Word of God. Revenge, ritual, and retreat are all short-term solutions that bring no lasting comfort.

I am desperate for that comfort she speaks of & know that it will come only from one place: the truth of His word. So today, I'm not forgetting my manna.

P.S.......