Big Enough

In nearly 48 hours from now, my little brother will be getting married. His bride-to-be is a wonderful young lady, who happens to share my exact first and middle name! I have had the privilege to get to know her over the last several months and will proudly stand beside her {in my guava colored bridesmaids' dress} as she marries the love of her life, my little brother.

I pray that He restores my joy and infuses my heart with happiness before Saturday.

Because life just doesn't stop. My brother will get married. My bestie from high school will wed her man only a few weeks from now. Another BFF is pregnant and is due only 10 days before I was. We shared only one day of joy and giggles over being pregnant together, which I am truly thankful for. She hesitates to share happy news, knowing that my heart is still broken.

But I think I am big enough.

Big enough to know that the world keeps on turning even when we're hurting.

Big enough to love & put other people first and be happy for them, even if I am only smiling on the outside. Because grief and joy do mingle.

Big enough to remember that I will not always feel the way I do today. Time will pass. My heart will heal. I will hope and laugh again. Joy will be restored.

Big enough to believe that He is BIG ENOUGH for all my sorrow, even if my heart forgets it sometimes. He is BIG ENOUGH to handle it all.

And that's the most important big enough of all.

A Tiny Blessing

I hesitate.

I hesitate to put fingers to keys, feelings to words, to give heartache a voice. Should pain be kept private? I remember reading once that a loaf of bread will feed only one, but broken, it will feed many. I do believe that allowing our brokenness to be shared can bring healing to other broken hearts, knits us together who have gone through similar trials, gives us courage to continue on the hard road.

I had a tiny blessing. We were expecting our fifth child! I was cautiously excited as this was our first pregnancy since our precious Olivia died. Time passed. Days. Weeks. We told our families. We told our children.

And then lightening struck. Miscarriage.

I had felt immune, I think, as if I had already endured enough horror and trauma with Olivia's diagnosis and death. Like I had used up all my allotted Bad Stuff and had only Good to look forward to. But the Lord gives and the Lord takes away.

Sometimes much quicker than we prefer.

I am awestruck at the faith of my daughter and my future sister-in-law. Praying for miracles! Maybe all hope had not been lost! Not just faith to move a mountain, faith to move an entire mountain range. I am blessed by their belief and pray for Him to increase my faith, as it seems so little in comparison. I realized that when I heard the doctor's words on Sunday, verifying that there is no longer life within, that even I too had been holding onto hope. Maybe my faith is a little bigger than I thought.

There is comfort in knowing that Olivia has been joined by a sibling. Big sister and little living together amidst His glory. A strange sort of comfort which leaves in its wake...an ache. That I am mother of five, but parent to three. That I have children (plural)....children whom I will not know on earth. That I have a large family, although it might not appear so to the naked eye. 

And I grope to find Him. I try to convince myself of His continual goodness, even if my earthly eyes struggle to see it. I desperately search for His kind hand at every turn. I can not even begin to understand the "why" and the "what for". Maybe you are there too, friend. Crawling through the valley. Trying to make sense of the seemingly senseless. Hesitating to give feelings their voice.

Know that I am there with you. Hurting. Healing. Hoping?

Praying that we can find Him together,

Praying for YOU

In honor of Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day

I am thinking of and praying for YOU today.  

YOU, who have no living children, yet have the heart of a mother.  

YOU, who while pregnant after a loss, have a heart of fear; loving your child within yet still longing for your child in heaven.  

YOU, who feel you have been robbed of the innocent joy that a pregnancy can bring, knowing all too well that sometimes things don't turn out the way you plan them.

YOU, who are still suffering in your grief after the death of your child.  

YOU, who heard the words, "I'm sorry. We can't find a heartbeat." 

YOU, who had a baby shower, decorated a nursery, picked a name, yet did not bring a baby home from the hospital.


YOU, who don't know how to answer the casual question, "So, how many children do you have?"

YOU, who have part of your family living on earth and part living in heaven.

And while I pray for YOU, I pray for ME at the same time. And I thank Him for YOU, for being my friend and for walking the hard road with me.

Think Pink!

The official word is: our baby #4 is a girl! And we are mostly tickled pink! {Sorry, just couldn't resist.} Daddy & Biggest Sister were holding out for a boy so that things would be even and our Little Sport would have a brother. Bigger Sister was praying for a girl. She wants a sister badly. Part of me thinks it's so she can boss a little sister around. When we told her that it's a girl, she jumped up and down squealing, "God answered my prayers! God answered MY prayers!" It was really touching & made me wonder if we are having a girl because of the tender, availing prayers of a 4-year old......

I have been struggling with high blood pressure this pregnancy, which I have never had a problem with before. I finally had to be put on medication last week for the duration of the pregnancy & praise God that the medication is working! I test myself a few times a week with an at-home blood pressure cuff. The doctors would ask me at every visit if I worked outside the home & if I was under a lot of stress. STRESS? That would be an understatement, but I don't think they have enough time during those visits to listen to my story!

After a routine 20 week ultrasound revealed a smaller than average baby, we had a follow-up ultrasound this Tuesday at 24 weeks. Unfortunately, the growth lag has increased. I am concerned, but trying not to worry. My OB called me personally today to give me the results and has decided to send me to a high-risk pregnancy hospital {probably Lutheran General} for evaluation, necessary testing, and additional ultrasound(s). I keep telling myself that I am in the loving and capable hands of my Great Physician, but at other moments I wonder if I can really handle one more thing.

I consider it a privilege to be able to share this with my dear readers and to ask to you to pray for me & our daughter. As always, I would love to lift YOU up in prayer, if there is anything you need. You can always email me privately through the link in my sidebar.

The Other Kind of Labor

Since Stephanie is playing along {meme provided by Rocks in My Dryer}, I thought I would play too

How long were your labors?

Kid #1: 14 hours
Kid #2: 14 hours
Kid #3: 14 hours

Aren't they supposed to get shorter the more kids you have? At least I'm consistent

How did you know you were in labor?

Kid #1: woke up at 2:30 am with back pain & contractions, unlike the Braxton-Hicks I had been having.
Kid #2, water breaking.
Kid #3, mild-contractions when I woke up for the day that were semi-regular. My doctor's appointment that same day confirmed that I was in labor, and, um, 6-8 cm dilated.

Where did you deliver?

With all of them, at a hospital. Homebirths are not for me.

Drugs?

#1: IV drugs. Requested epidural. Anesthesiologist was "busy". By the time he was "unbusy", I was already too far along.

#2: Epidural. Successful this time.

#3: No drugs until 9.5 cm. Requested epidural. Waited for 20 minutes. Still no anesthesiologist. Feel need to push. First push & baby was nearly out. As baby was crowning, anesthesiologist was knocking on door.

Note to self: If future pregnancies should occur, request epidural before arriving at hospital.

C-section?

Nope. Thankful for that too. Really would rather not have one unless medical emergency necessitates it.

Who delivered?

Doctors, thankfully. If I wouldn't have had a doctor's appointment the same day with #3, I think hubster might've had to wear his catcher's mitt.

Hope you enjoy yourself a great day with family!

The Big Day

a.k.a Birth Story ~ Part Two

Friendly Caution: If you are uncomfortable reading about dilation or get weirded out by the word "cervix", then just go ahead and skip this post!

So after the deer incident, I wake up Wednesday morning with mild contractions. I didn't suspect anything other than those pesky Braxton-Hicks, but these were accompanied by a backache, giving me the sneaky suspicion that this was the real deal. They were about 10-12 minutes apart, sometimes longer, so I wasn't sure whether this was actual "labor". I called the hubster around 10:30 am & told him I wasn't feeling well. I mentioned the contractions & he requested that I call the doctor's office. I was advised not to come to the hospital until they were 5 minutes apart. {Good thing that God had planned for me to have a doctor's appointment already that afternoon or I would've had an unplanned homebirth.} I told hubby to come home early to take care of me. I rested. I Knitted. I Sudoku-ed. {I *love* Sudoku!}

My appointment was at 3:30 pm. We all went as a family, hoping that maybe the doctor would send me to the hospital. I saw Dr. Z. The nurse asked how I was feeling & I told her that I thought I might be in *early* labor. So Dr. Z examines me. She has a puzzled look on her face during the examination. I am thinking, "Oh Great. I am still 2-3 cm or something like that." She informs me that I am "at least" 6 cm, but she can't really tell because one side of my cervix is completely dilated. She asks if there is any chance I can go directly to the hospital. {She told me the next morning that she didn't want to make me nervous, but was really thinking that I better get to the hospital, like, NOW.} We all arrive at the hospital, my mom meeting us there to retrieve the children.

I am admitted & checked by Dr. F {new doctor in the practice if you are following my abbreviations}, who tells me that I am 8 cm. WHAT???!!! This is seriously unbelievable to me. UN-BE-LIEV-ABLE. During my last labor I was at 2 cm and already in a lot of pain. The doctor and nurse kept asking me if I was sure I didn't want anything for the pain. It was bizarre. I wasn't even really in that much pain. I felt like a woman from the Baby Story, just la-de-da during labor. I was positive for Group B Strep, so I needed to have pencilin & waited 3 1/2 hours before my water could be broken. Dr. F thought I would go pretty fast after my water had been broken. I tried pushing at 9 1/2 cm, but with no luck. My contractions were pretty strong at this point, but not unbearable. I did ask for an epidural while waiting to dilate the rest of the way. I didn't realize that the anesthesiologist would need to be called in. Yeah. Would've liked that bit of information a little earlier in the process. I waited. Ten minutes. Fifteen. Twenty. By this time I was feeling like I had to push & really, my body just couldn't help it anymore. Dr. F says, "Go ahead & try pushing." I push & much to my disbelief {and the doctor's too} I feel his head coming out. The bed hasn't been broken down yet. Doc doesn't have on any surgical apparel. She says, "Please wait. Let me get my gown on." as she runs across the room to retrieve the surgical tray. Through my bloody-murder-type scream I tell her I can't wait. She says, "Please at least let me get my gloves on." Again. Body. Just. Won't. Wait. His head is out & with one more push his body splashes out & doc delivers him while sitting on the bed. More disbelief when I read the scale from across the room. Eight pounds, fifteen ounces. I. Can't. Believe. It. Doc shows me her hand & I just have to laugh as she managed to get her hand into the palm of the glove & delivered the baby with the fingers of the glove just hanging off. Funny. Just as amazing is that I need no stitches. WHAT?! After delivering a nearly nine pound baby?!! Amazing. Really. No drugs. No stitches. A nine pounder. God really does exist ~ LOL!

In all seriousness though, I really could see God's hand in caring for me that day. I had many people praying for me & I am sure that that made a lot of difference. I still can not believe that I was able to deliver such a big baby, drug-free & with no stitches. It makes me feel like I conquer the world now. I hadn't set out to do that, but it just sort of happened upon me. My body feels like it has had a much quicker recovery. I don't know if it's just because it gets easier with each child or if it's due to the type of labor I had.

So now you know. It's not that every birth story isn't a miracle in and of itself, but for me, this one really stands out & I am still in amazement over the whole thing. I leave you with this,

"Be not afraid of greatness; some are born great, some achieve greatness, and others have greatness thrust upon them." William Shakespeare

Oh Deer!

a.k.a. Birth Story ~ Part 1

Technically, IT hit US. On Tuesday, December 4th, season six of the TV series 24 was released on DVD. Once hubster remembered this fact, he was on the horn with our nearest Blockbuster reserving us a copy of the first two DVDs. Of course the weather was.....blizzard-y. Nonetheless, we all piled in the car and trekked the 7 miles to retrieve the DVDs. This is *so* reminiscent of last winter when we were driving through snowstorms to various Blockbusters to rent the 24 DVDs. We didn't mean to get hooked on Jack Bauer, it just sort of happened. Hubster casually mentioned wanting to see the show, so we rented season one. I barely paid attention to the first few episodes, as I was in The Knitting Zone, but finally, I couldn't help myself. But, I digress. As we were traveling down the road, we suddenly spot "a six-pack of does", as hubster puts it, near the opposite edge of the road. We weren't driving too fast, maybe 40 mph. He starts honking the horn. The first doe darts across the road. The rest of the does start to follow. Hubster tries to manuever the car between the pack & is somewhat successful. He makes it in between the first and second doe, but we don't quite clear the pack and that second doe slams into the rear door of the driver's side, right where my two-year old was sitting. I shriek. Hubster tells me to stay calm. I say, "You probably killed him!!" Hubster tries to convince me that the deer just has a mild concussion. My Braxton-Hicks get stronger at this point. The rest of the way Sienna keeps asking various questions about the BANG-BANG {the noise the deer made when hitting her door} and whether or not Sebastian would be scared of it. We get the DVDs and watch the first two episodes. {Wayne Palmer as president? Whoda thunk it??} The next morning, I woke up in early labor.

We blame it on the deer. I can't actually say that "we hit a deer" because, like I mentioned before, technically IT hit US.

P.S. Welcome to my newest reader Mon who has been reading from the beginning and commenting on old posts! I will answer your cooking question as soon as time allows

Just stopping in....

...to present our newest addition!

::Sebastian Judah::

::weighing a whopping 8 pounds 15 ounces, measuring 21 inches long::

::big sisters Tatiana & Sienna are so proud::

We are all at home and doing great! I will share more about his grand arrival as time allows. It really was miraculous {not that all births aren't}, but this one, for me, was especially special. Blessings to everyone who prayed for us before, during, and after the delivery. Thank you for covering us in prayer & lifting up my hands when I was weak. God is so good!

The Final Days

My energy tank is officially on "E". I can honestly say that I am now tired of being pregnant. I never remember feeling this way with my two girls. Maybe it is the impending holidays and all the hustle & bustle that typically accompanies it. Maybe it is the pile of sewing projects that for some reason I just have no passion for. Every time I walk by the sewing table, it's as if the fabric holds its breath, hoping, just hoping, that I will stop to give it some love & turn it into something beautiful. It all collectively *sighs* as I pass on by, as do I, wishing that I could do more. And seeing as I have no energy for the things I love to do, the things I really don't like {cleaning, laundry, dishes} are most definitely doomed. I am barely online anymore, pausing only to check my email & the blogs of my nearest & dearest.

I am trying to be patient, I really am. I want to finish this chapter of pregnancy with grace & continued appreciation for the miracle of life. Not knowing how many, if any, more children we will have, I try to be grateful for all the moments that I have left with my exceedingly enormous belly. I feel especially emotionally drained & just plain worn out. I just feel like our lives {and the lives of some of those I will be relying on} are in a holding pattern, just waiting for the moment when I get to say those two precious words, "It's time." So, if you are of the sort, please pray for me in my final days of pregnancy. It will lift my spirits to know that you are out there praying.

Pregnancy: a Review

I don't really talk much about my pregnancy, so I thought I'd share a few of the highlights with ya'll. Here goes:

33 Days since LMP: I start to suspect I am pregnant. I've charted my cycles in the past & they have never been longer than 31 days.

5-6 Weeks since LMP: I'm sure I'm pregnant now. Too much time has gone by since the last cycle. I am hoping I can make it until Mother's Day without telling anyone! I think all the laying on the couch every evening because of early nausea symptoms might give it away.....

7 Weeks Preggo: Hubster gets suspicious. I just answer all his questions with "Don't worry about it." He can NOT wait to find out & buys me a pregnancy test. I take the test while he is mowing the grass. Positive! When he comes in the house, I have the girls sitting in my lap & a big posterboard sign with "#3" on it and and arrow pointing towards my belly. Hubster is excited!! He has off of work the next day so we make the rounds announcing the news. I bring the sign along & that is how we make our official announcement. Other people that we could not visit I call & tell them that Sienna is going to be a big sister. Everyone is so happy for us.

7 Weeks - 20ish Weeks Preggo: Sickness. Nausea. Every. Night. At least it doesn't start until 4ish, which means Hubster can take over the fort when he arrives home. Can't really go anywhere at night. No small group. No dinner plans. Nothing helps. Keep telling self that it will all be over soon & that the end result will be so worth it!

13 Weeks Preggo: Doctor can not find the baby's heartbeat. She schedules an ultrasound for the next day. It is a really, really long night...............Ultrasound shows that the baby is just fine! Although it is quite early to tell, ultrasound tech is 95% sure that it is a BOY!!

20 Weeks Preggo: It's confirmed. WE'RE HAVING A BOY!! Families are sooo happy. He will join my two nephews on Hubby's side of the family & is the first grandson on my side. We are also informed that I have partial placenta previa which will need to be monitored. If the placenta doesn't move then I will have to have a c-section.

20ish Weeks Preggo: Hubster wakes up in the morning telling me that a name just "came to him" in the middle of the night last night. He wasn't even thinking about names, he just was awoken to have the name come to his mind. OK. Must be a God thing. He tells me the name: Sebastian. It wasn't on my list of names, but I am sure that is what God wants us to name our son. We start telling everyone his name & the most popular response is, "But what are you going to call him for short?"

28 Weeks Preggo: Praise God, another ultrasound reveals that the placenta has moved out of the way! No need to worry about c-section {for now}. I take the 1-hour glucose test. I shouldn't be concerned as I have never failed a glucose test before.....

30 Weeks Preggo: GLUCOSE TEST FAILED. Normal value is 140 or under. Mine was 159. This means I will have to take the 3 hour test. I am also told that according to the last ultrasound, this is a BIG baby. He is weighing in at 3 pounds 8 ounces {as of 28 weeks}. Doctor tells me that this will need to be monitored & could mean a possible early induction to make sure he doesn't get really huge. I am measuring 32 weeks.

31 Weeks Preggo: I take the 3-hour test. Either the phlebotomist is a rookie or the fasting/not drinking enough is causing my veins to be difficult to draw. She does the insides of both of my arms. On the third draw she's going for the top of my hand & when the blood starts drawing, my body freaks out. In about 5 seconds time I tell her that I am really "not feeling good", then it gets bad. I feel like I am going to throw up & pass out. I start sweating & seeing stars. Literally. She calls the doctor over & they lay me upside down in the chair. I end up laying in a hospital bed with oxygen up my nose until the final blood draw. I shed a couple tears because I feel so ridiculous & embarassed. This was just routine, I figured. I have to call my mom to come pick me up from the doctor's office. I'm glad it's over.

32 Weeks Preggo: I do NOT have gestational diabetes. Two abnormal values are needed for this diagnosis; I do, however, have one abnormal value. Doctor informs me that most women with one abnormal value have larger than average babies. I will probably have to have yet another {my 4th} ultrasound to monitor baby's growth. This {different} doctor tells me that she does not do inductions before 39 weeks. {What would be the point of inducing then anyways?} I am now measuring 35 weeks.

And that's my pregnancy story, thusfar. Seems like ever time I have a doctor's visit they should be asking me, "Do you want the good news or the bad news?" Surely this will all be over soon. Just have to hang in there a few more weeks.

Enjoy your weekend!