Talk About It: Close-up

A child photographer frequently sees things differently through the lens than I would. For example:




Everything is a close-up. When I discovered these pictures on my camera, it reminded me of the trip I took last week and this special mirror that was in our bathroom at the inn. I believe it's for applying make-up or other facial treatments and allows you to see all the minute details of your face, close-up. I'm not sure I appreciate being able to see every little hair, crease, and pore! I started thinking about my relationships and relationships in general. How often do I let people get really close? Not physically, mind you, but emotionally close enough to see all the my flaws and imperfections. Nearly everyone looks great from a distance and I'm sure that's true in relationships too.

What about you? How close do you let people come? Always at arm's length? Allow a few close friends in close enough to see your nitty gritty? Too scary to let anyone see the 'real you'?

Anticipating a good chat,


P.S. I'll give my proper response in the comments section....

P.P.S. Yep. That's me smiling in the first picture. That does happen more often these days....

The Ugly

As in, the trio, along with the good and the bad. I know I've been MIA. And now you'll know why. Since the ground beneath me keeps threatening to open up and swallow me whole, I didn't really think you'd want to hear about it. I don't want pity, but judging from some of the kind emails I've been getting {sorry about not responding to those!} I figured that ya'll still care about little 'ole me.

The Vehicles
They have all broken down. On the same day. To pretty much un-driveable status. One has been repaired and cost more to fix than my mortgage payment. The other one, well, it's turned into a three-ring-circus. We thought it was fixed. Then it wasn't. Then it was. Now, it isn't. Catch all that? It is still at the repair shop awaiting some details to be worked out. I guess one working vehicle is better than none. My lawnmower broke last week as well. That was the back-up lawnmower. The first one hasn't been working for some time now. I might really have to buy that goat I've been thinking about.

The Loo
That's bathroom, in case you aren't familiar with UK-speak. It flooded last week. You know that little hole in the sink that's supposed to drain out the excess water if you fill the sink too much? Well, apparently mine doesn't work. A small child brushed their teeth, left the water running a bit, turned off the light and closed the door. Thankfully I was staying up late, but didn't realize the situation until several hours later, after the whole floor, cabinet and drawers underneath, and most of the hallway outside the bathroom door were converted into our own personal indoor pool. I've always wanted one of those. Just not this poor man's version.

The Job
There isn't one. Again. The owner of the dump truck Hubs was driving decided to sell it. I can either consider it depressing or encouraging that I didn't even really cry over this or barely even panic. My honest thoughts were, "Great. Here we go again." I guess when you've been through what I've been through the last few months, being unemployed {with no unemployment check} doesn't seem so daunting. HE has sustained us for the last six months, has carried us through losing our daughter, and I'm sure HE will still be here for wherever this road goes. I am honestly so sick & tired of this specific roller coaster. It is just beyond frustrating.

The Vacay
So considering all that, we did what any already grieving people should do...we took a vacation. That probably sounds totally ridiculous, but it was just what we needed. Not financially, mind you, but spiritually and emotionally. I didn't think I would actually enjoy myself, but there were several times when I was startled by the sound of my own laughter. That hasn't happened in a long time. The kids were in good hands, the scenery was wonderful, the quality time with my husband was even better. We talked. I cried. We gained perspective. We came home ready to face the world again.

So there you have it. Some of the time I am trying not to focus on what I am actually having to walk through. Some of the time I either want to laugh hysterically or cry uncontrollably. Typing all that out just now, it seems like my life is more like the plot to some sordid comedy movie, where a poor bloke who's totally down on his luck ends up seeing his fortune totally reversed. Well, that's what I'm praying for myself anyways {Ps. 126}.

If you've made it this far through my post, you must really love me :>)

Spoon Adventures

That last one is my favorite. Those big brown puppy-dog eyes could melt any girl's heart, especially his Mama's. This kid has some mad spoon skills. It's crazy. He's been eating with a spoon for a couple of months now and he l-o-v-e-s it. His favorite is applesauce. I love his new skill too because a) it frees me up during mealtime and b) even though he makes a BIG mess, he looks so darn cute doing it.

Happy?

Several people tell me that they want to help me walk through this difficult time, but they don't know how. Or they just "can't relate". {And I'm so thankful, in a way, if you CAN'T!} So, perhaps glimpsing grief will help you understand better what someone might go through. Maybe that is part of Olivia's legacy: to teach us all how to be better comforters. Here is today's glimpse:

I have a hard time 'being happy for you'.

That's a pretty standard response when you hear about something wonderful that is happening to someone else, right? You say, "OH! I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU!" For me, some days I have a hard time being happy for myself, period, let alone being happy for someone else. It's not that I would wish something terrible on someone, it's not like that at all. Maybe it's jealousy? I'm not quite sure. I feel like I could say, "Well. I praise God for that happening in your life." But, happy? Um, notsomuch.

I realize that life goes on for other people. What you should know, is that sometimes for me, it feels like life is standing still. Like I'm just spinning my wheels. Some things you just might choose not tell me, like getting a promotion or meeting someone-like-Mr.-Wonderful. For the really important things, it's a matter of timing. If I'm seeming sullen and somber or crying, that probably isn't the best time to tell me that you've just bought your dream house or that *gulp* you're pregnant. To not say anything might not be the best route for these BIG things because when I show up at your door and a stranger answers and says you don't live there anymore, believe me, I'll figure out that you've moved. I'm just smart like that. If you're a blogger, well, timing is a non-issue, really. I'll read it when I read it. If I don't comment, please know that I probably just don't have the right words.

Having new babies is probably the most difficult, painful pill to swallow of all. On the one hand, I am so thankful that your baby is healthy and that your lives have been changed in such a wonderful way. On the other hand, that baby is yours and I just can't help but think, "That should be me." I don't know how I will handle this when it happens. I would hate to plop big salty tears all over your newborn and have my grief as an intruder on your "happy" moment. God, help me.

I hope this all doesn't sound to me-centered. That's not my intention at all. I truly believe in mourning with those who are mourning and rejoicing with those who are rejoicing. It's just that..... rejoicing while you are mourning is kinda difficult. One day, I'm sure I will be able to say it again and really mean it....


...I am happy for you.

A Father's Day Note

Dear Rick,

This probably seems like your typical Father's Day post, where the wives all shamelessly brag on their wonderful husbands, and, in a way, it probably is. But to me, this feels like more than your typical Father's Day. In the weeks since our journey with Olivia began, you have become so much more to me and mean so much more to me now than ever. I think walking through the valley of the shadow of death together has brought a depth to our relationship that nothing else could have. There is no one else that I would've rather had with me in the ultrasound room that day when we got the news that would radically change our lives. I will forever have the beautiful picture of Olivia's head cradled in your hands on the day she was born. The time that you heard me crying in the shower and came in fully clothed to hold me while I wept.......there are no words.

You have loved me as much as any man could and I am honored that God chose you to be the father of our children. Some of my favorite times together are watching the games of 'attack the Dad'. I know those memories are something our children will cherish as well. I can see how much our kids love you by the way they act when they are with you. And although I am secretly a little jealous when they scream, "DADDY'S HOME!!" when you come through the door, I wouldn't have it any other way. You are my ambassador of kwan, man. {LOL}


I am beyond thankful for you~

Hope: An Intro

After reading Nancy Guthrie's Holding Onto Hope, I decided to order The One Year Book of Hope. And Oh, I am so glad I did! I am already hearing the things that I need to and I'm only on day two! The words are so penetrating to my heart that I can't help but share them with you. One year seems like a long time. The longest 'devotional' that I will have ever committed to. I am confident though, that I will come out on the other side with my broken heart bound up and with a sweet intimacy with Jesus unlike any I have experienced thus far.

What touched me from the introduction was one word: manna. After losing her daughter Hope, Nancy's sister-in-law left a message taped to her mirror, "Don't forget the Manna." Nancy explains how the Israelites, while wandering in the wilderness, needed a fresh supply of it daily to sustain them and how we need that same daily sustenance from God. Especially during this time of grief {my personal wilderness}, I feel like I need His strength, compassion, & care, now more than ever. These words especially spoke to me:

I discovered that nothing else really satisfies or soothes our suffering except the Word of God. Revenge, ritual, and retreat are all short-term solutions that bring no lasting comfort.

I am desperate for that comfort she speaks of & know that it will come only from one place: the truth of His word. So today, I'm not forgetting my manna.

P.S.......

Work in Progress

Huh? Where am I? Did I end up at the right blog?

Don't worry -- I just decided to redecorate. How're things looking? Everything showing up properly? After staying up waaaaay too late, I had to just quit where I was at & decide to call it a 'work in progress'.


Just like me.




P.S. Yep. I designed everything myself...custom background, header, new fonts and buttons for the sidebar. Everything. It was great therapy, actually.

****UPDATE****: See my comment in the comments section for more details on my new design!