The Gathering

I just finished reading another novel. I guess I might officially be considered a bookworm. I read The Memory Keeper's Daughter; a book about a choice a man made which altered the course of his life and many of the lives around him.

The year was 1964. A surgeon and his wife were pregnant with their first child. There was a snowstorm and no time to make it to the hospital. The baby, a son, was delivered in his medical office by the surgeon and his nurse. They used gas to make laboring women unconscious in those days. There was a second baby. Unexpected twins. But something wasn't quite right. A daughter. With Down's Syndrome. This father made a choice. To send the baby to an institution. Not totally uncommon in those days. It was all in the nurse's hands now. He was trying to spare his wife some grief, but he didn't realize the ripple effect that his choice would create. 

I won't divulge any more to you, in case you decide to read it. I guess it was particularly moving for me because I could relate to the way that some of the characters behaved because of their grief. Near the beginning of the book I found myself wondering if I could continue reading it. It was as if the author was explaining the innermost workings of grief that I didn't want displayed in writing for all the world to read. One of the lines the author uses, when referring to the choice the surgeon makes at the time of delivery, is that it was "the moment around which all others would gather". I think I read and reread that line many times. That just makes a world of sense to me. It's almost as if that powerful life moment is magnetic; everything happening beyond that time drawn in around it. I wonder if that is what Olivia's life and death will be for me. A defining moment. A lens through which I view everything else that happens from this point forward. A moment around which all would others will gather. It has irreversibly shaped me, for sure. But then I got to thinking about another moment.

The year was 1993. A fifteen year old girl sits in the middle of simple church somewhere over-the-border in Mexico. She is on a missions trip, planning to evangelize and help with house building in the barrios. She knew God and thought she was going to Heaven. After all, she was a 'good' girl and had heard about Jesus. Why wouldn't He let her in? At one of their first nightly sessions, a pastor and a musician gave an altar call. If you choose to believe in Him, give your life over to Him, and to live for Him, please come forward. Every other student in attendance flocked to the front in reply. Every single one. But not this girl. She somehow understood the gravity of the moment, the seriousness of this decision, one that would change her life forever and seal her eternal destination. She wasn't moved by emotion, but sat in deep contemplation, counting the cost of what this decision would mean. Finally, after many tears and much thought and prayer, she went forward. I believe, in that moment, the angels sang a little louder. A moment around which all others would gather.

Two completely different moments. That second one making the first one more bearable. Both, I believe, meant for the same purpose. To draw me to Jesus.

Resolutions: Update

Remember this post? Maybe you made one just like it. Or maybe you're not a blogger, but decided to change some aspects of your life in 2009. Well, since the year is more than half over, I thought I'd reflect on my 'resolutions' and see what I have left to complete for the second half of the year. Here are my three resolutions {in case you don't have a chance to revisit my original post} followed by my progress in italics:

Number One: Return to my pre-pregnancy weight before the end of the year.

I have recently decided to try to lose some of my pregnancy weight, which you can follow along with on my other blog, Chronicles of an Almost Healthy Foodie. Although I know I will feel better about myself if I get back to the size I was last fall, I am not going to stress myself out over it. During this season of grief after losing Olivia, I think my spiritual and emotional health are far more important than my dress size. So, I am working towards this goal as we speak, but it is open to reevaluation if need be.

Number Two: Read 12 books.

It is actually kind of comical that I set this goal for myself, as I never was much of a reader, but realize the importance of cultivating a good reading habit, especially as it pertains to setting a good example for my children. I've always been more of a magazine reader {I even love catalogues!}, but never much of a fiction girl. *Insert dramatic life changing events here.* I then decided to maybe pick out a few books, as a simple diversion for my reality at the time and for personal enjoyment, and I haven't looked back. These are the titles I have read so far: Confessions of a Shopaholic, Shopaholic Takes Manhattan, Shopaholic and Sister, The Tennis Party, Remember Me?, The Undomestic Goddess, The Yada Yada Prayer Group (book1), The Yada Yada Prayer Group Gets Down (book2), The Yada Yada Prayer Group Gets Real (book3), Jemima J, Waiting with Gabriel, Holding Onto Hope, and A Symphony in the Dark. That makes 13 books read, which means...resolution complete!! I am already in the midst of The Friday Night Knitting Club, even though I've met this goal. Maybe I formed a new enjoyable habit! **BTW, just because I listed a book here, doesn't mean I recommend it. A couple of these novels were what I deem 'inappropriate' at parts, which I ended up just skipping over.**

Number Three: Try 12 new recipes.

I wish I would've kept closer tabs on this resolution. I pretty much know for a fact that I've only tried one new recipe {Buttermilk Scones from Baking with Julia} in the last 3 months, since cooking meals from scratch wasn't too high of a priority. As I look back though, since the beginning of the year, I have posted recipes for Easy Baked Ziti, Easy BBQ Pork, Artisan Bread, Baked Potato Soup, and Easy Strawberry Shortcake. Does the Peanutty Playdough count too? So, I guess that makes about half a dozen new recipes tried in '09. I did purchase the fixings for another new recipe this week and I *know* that once the weather cools down {a.k.a. will be using my oven much more}, once I start entertaining more, and when Thanksgiving looms, I will be dusting off all the cookbooks. I surely do miss trying new recipes, new techniques, and sharing the results with my friends and family. Maybe if I subscribed to a cooking magazine I might be inspired more often to try new things!


Ok. Your turn. Do you remember what you resolved to change in 2009? Care to share how that's coming along?

Keep. Moving. Forward.~

Hope: An Intro

After reading Nancy Guthrie's Holding Onto Hope, I decided to order The One Year Book of Hope. And Oh, I am so glad I did! I am already hearing the things that I need to and I'm only on day two! The words are so penetrating to my heart that I can't help but share them with you. One year seems like a long time. The longest 'devotional' that I will have ever committed to. I am confident though, that I will come out on the other side with my broken heart bound up and with a sweet intimacy with Jesus unlike any I have experienced thus far.

What touched me from the introduction was one word: manna. After losing her daughter Hope, Nancy's sister-in-law left a message taped to her mirror, "Don't forget the Manna." Nancy explains how the Israelites, while wandering in the wilderness, needed a fresh supply of it daily to sustain them and how we need that same daily sustenance from God. Especially during this time of grief {my personal wilderness}, I feel like I need His strength, compassion, & care, now more than ever. These words especially spoke to me:

I discovered that nothing else really satisfies or soothes our suffering except the Word of God. Revenge, ritual, and retreat are all short-term solutions that bring no lasting comfort.

I am desperate for that comfort she speaks of & know that it will come only from one place: the truth of His word. So today, I'm not forgetting my manna.

P.S.......

Tidbits

Sienna inspired the title of this post. She asked today what 'tidbits' are, then practiced using the word. Mama's definition was pretty close. So, here, little girl, is your official definition:

tid*bit: –noun

1.	a delicate bit or morsel of food.

2.	a choice or pleasing bit of anything, as news or gossip

This post will mostly be the second one, although I don't know how pleasing, with a little bit of the first one mixed in. So here they are, in no particular order, pieces of my life.

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A few weeks ago, Tatiana was running on the treadmill, while her dad was biking next to her. I think she likes to do that so that her & dad can have some special time together. She told me that after her 'workout', she went over to the corner of the basement and stood next to the bassinet. The one that Olivia would have used. She told me that made her really sad. Seven-year olds grieve too. That nearly broke my heart.

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I am reading lots of books. Devouring them actually. I am so not a book reader. I love cookbooks, does that count? I loooooove magazines, but novels, notsomuch. I needed a diversion after Olivia's diagnosis, so I started reading. So far I've polished off four Sophie Kinsella books, Holding Onto Hope, one Yada Yada Prayer book, and Waiting with Gabriel. Guess I'm just that much closer to meeting my 2009 goal.

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I went to Target the other day to pick-up some bigger sized onesies for Sebastian. To most people, this seems like a relatively easy task, except for the fact that they are located in the baby aisle with lots of other baby items for soon to be born little babies. I nearly broke down crying. Why can't they just keep them with the Men's undershirts?

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My sister-in-law {might as well just refer to her as my sister for that matter} sent me an email a little while back about her tears for Olivia. The thing that sticks out the most (and makes me smile even now at her preparedness} is how she described that she had already mentally arranged her mini-van seating chart for where all the carseats would go when she would watch all my kids. Just reminds me that I'm not the only person who had plans for Olivia that would never see them come true.

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It's just so cruel that a Mama's milk has to come in when there is no baby to drink it. Didn't my boobs get the memo? It's almost like my body's own way of weeping. The leaking is just a constant reminder that Olivia's not here. So cruel.

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I went to pick-up the book Waiting with Gabriel at the library the other day. It's another family's personal story about their adverse prenatal diagnosis & how they too prepared to say Hello & Goodbye to their son, all in the same breath. I was trembling as I approached the desk to ask for it, as it was on special hold. Would the librarian notice the title? Would she ask why I was checking out the book? She didn't. I left with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat.

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I fell in love with a scone recipe from Julia Child for buttermilk scones. I add orange zest & dried cranberries and have made them about a half-a-dozen times in the last few weeks. Could that have anything to do with the few pounds I've gained? Speaking of Julia Child, I can't wait to see the movie coming out called Julie & Julia. Right up my alley. The other recipes I've savored just recently have been this Key Lime Pie & Iced Coffee. Another 2009 goal that I'm closer to completing.

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As Sienna's karate class was ending today and the next one was beginning, the waiting area filled up with babies. Seriously. There were two baby girls, one baby boy and a toddler girl, all seemingly looking at me. I thought I would stand up and scream. I didn't. But inside I did.

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I don't sleep very well. Even with taking a sleeping pill, I just don't. I don't know if it's because I am so busy taking care of house, laundry, three children during the day that I don't have time to process or grieve, so it all starts slowly seeping out, then pouring out, at night? Because that's when I finally have time to sit down & catch up on the blog happenings that sometimes leave me in tears? At least I can be somewhat productive. Like scheduling my blog posts for 7:00 am, so that you won't know that it was really typed at 1:55 am, the morning of.

Off to search for zzzzzzzs~

res-o-lute

res-o-lute: adj. Having a decided purpose; determined; resolved; fixed in a determination; hence, bold; firm; steady.

From which we get the word "resolution", as in the New Year's variety. Anyone make those? I really hardly do, mostly because before Memorial Day arrives I'd forgotten what it was I resolved to do. I'm guessing those sorts of resolutions wouldn't have fit the definition at all. Had I truly been determined, resolved, bold, I would not so easily abandon my purpose. These last two years, I have had the same resolution, which I have not forgotten: not to put undue burden on the family budget. I have had income from my part-part-part time job, which I tried to use for as many family wants & needs as possible.

I know many people decide to read through the Bible in a year or lose XX number of pounds, which, are noble things to purpose towards. I'm wondering though, by April are they still only half-way through Genesis and stopping at the McDonald's drive-thru for a greasy Quarter Pounder? {YUM! Haven't had me one of those in forever.....} But I digress.

So, since I believe that if you don't know what you're aiming for, you'll never hit your target, here are my "aims" or resolutions if you will, for 2009. I've narrowed it down to three, simple and practical things:

Number One: Return to my pre-pregnancy weight before the end of the year. Our sweet pea #4 is officially due August 2nd, which should leave me plenty of time on the calendar to accomplish this, especially if I can manage not to gain more than 25 pounds.

Number Two: Read 12 books. Any twelve. Some for fun. Some for personal and spiritual growth. But just keep reading. It's actually something I truly love, but had not done too much of due to my previous TV watching habits. So many things can be accomplished without cable TV.....

Number Three: Try 12 new recipes. That's really not very many. Only one new recipe per month. There are so many things that I've always wanted to try making from scratch, but just never get around to: croissants, white bean chicken chili, ravioli, lobster bisque, homemade candy, orange chicken.

Do you make New Year's Resolutions? What's slated for '09?

P.S. For a wonderful guided reflection of 2008, be sure not to miss this post at Simple Mom.

A Snapshot

Of life at the moment.

Thinkin' about: Thanksgiving, what else?

Not looking forward to: Hubby being out of town.

Totally diggin': Cookthink {might I add that this is super genious?! Searching for something that you're craving instead of/in addition to specific recipes?}

Reading: A Woman's High Calling {It's so good, I might just get the growth & study guide....}

Working towards: Making my home a haven {I'm considering this} and a losing a few pounds

Foodie Books

Without subscription TV, there is plenty of time for other worthwhile pursuits, such as: reading! I have been devouring {pun intended} foodie books lately. First there was French Women Don't Get Fat. I will probably have to devote an entire post to this book, why I love it so much & why I think every woman should read it. It has changed the way I think about food & eating. This is not a diet book or diet plan, but rather a "food relationship" guide/memoire. I would share with hubster some of her food/eating philosophies, at which he would poke fun at me a little for wanting to follow them. Rest assured, I am the one getting the last laugh.

Next came Garlic & Sapphires, the chronicles of Ruth Reichl, the renowned food critic for the New York Times. She used to have to don various disguises to visit restaurants incognito providing for lots of introspection and laughs a plenty. Funny stuff. Restaurant reviews included!

Then there was The Sharper Your Knife, the Less You Cry. Being a self-proclaimed Francophile, I looked forward each night to getting lost in the streets of Paris or the antics of students and Chefs at the Cordon Bleu. Great inspiring personal memoire/cooking school story, reminding me that it's never too late to be what you might have been. I will, no doubt, read this one more than once.

Currently on the nightstand is The Reach of a Chef. It only made sense that I would read it, having already read two of Ruhlman's other books: The Making of a Chef & The Soul of a Chef. I am finding this one to be the hardest to "get into". I don't know if it's foodie book burn-out {as if!} or just that it's a different kind of book. It chronicles his research to find out how Chefs have revolutionized the food industry & how we think about food. I guess I enjoy the more "story"-type of books, so this one may take some getting used to.

I think next on the list is going to be The Man Who Ate Everything. I'll let ya know how it turns out :>)