Thursday, June 11, 2009


Sienna inspired the title of this post. She asked today what 'tidbits' are, then practiced using the word. Mama's definition was pretty close. So, here, little girl, is your official definition:

tid*bit: –noun
1. a delicate bit or morsel of food.
2. a choice or pleasing bit of anything, as news or gossip

This post will mostly be the second one, although I don't know how pleasing, with a little bit of the first one mixed in. So here they are, in no particular order, pieces of my life.


A few weeks ago, Tatiana was running on the treadmill, while her dad was biking next to her. I think she likes to do that so that her & dad can have some special time together. She told me that after her 'workout', she went over to the corner of the basement and stood next to the bassinet. The one that Olivia would have used. She told me that made her really sad. Seven-year olds grieve too. That nearly broke my heart.


I am reading lots of books. Devouring them actually. I am so not a book reader. I love cookbooks, does that count? I loooooove magazines, but novels, notsomuch. I needed a diversion after Olivia's diagnosis, so I started reading. So far I've polished off four Sophie Kinsella books, Holding Onto Hope, one Yada Yada Prayer book, and Waiting with Gabriel. Guess I'm just that much closer to meeting my 2009 goal.


I went to Target the other day to pick-up some bigger sized onesies for Sebastian. To most people, this seems like a relatively easy task, except for the fact that they are located in the baby aisle with lots of other baby items for soon to be born little babies. I nearly broke down crying. Why can't they just keep them with the Men's undershirts?


My sister-in-law {might as well just refer to her as my sister for that matter} sent me an email a little while back about her tears for Olivia. The thing that sticks out the most (and makes me smile even now at her preparedness} is how she described that she had already mentally arranged her mini-van seating chart for where all the carseats would go when she would watch all my kids. Just reminds me that I'm not the only person who had plans for Olivia that would never see them come true.


It's just so cruel that a Mama's milk has to come in when there is no baby to drink it. Didn't my boobs get the memo? It's almost like my body's own way of weeping. The leaking is just a constant reminder that Olivia's not here. So cruel.


I went to pick-up the book Waiting with Gabriel at the library the other day. It's another family's personal story about their adverse prenatal diagnosis & how they too prepared to say Hello & Goodbye to their son, all in the same breath. I was trembling as I approached the desk to ask for it, as it was on special hold. Would the librarian notice the title? Would she ask why I was checking out the book? She didn't. I left with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat.


I fell in love with a scone recipe from Julia Child for buttermilk scones. I add orange zest & dried cranberries and have made them about a half-a-dozen times in the last few weeks. Could that have anything to do with the few pounds I've gained? Speaking of Julia Child, I can't wait to see the movie coming out called Julie & Julia. Right up my alley. The other recipes I've savored just recently have been this Key Lime Pie & Iced Coffee. Another 2009 goal that I'm closer to completing.


As Sienna's karate class was ending today and the next one was beginning, the waiting area filled up with babies. Seriously. There were two baby girls, one baby boy and a toddler girl, all seemingly looking at me. I thought I would stand up and scream. I didn't. But inside I did.


I don't sleep very well. Even with taking a sleeping pill, I just don't. I don't know if it's because I am so busy taking care of house, laundry, three children during the day that I don't have time to process or grieve, so it all starts slowly seeping out, then pouring out, at night? Because that's when I finally have time to sit down & catch up on the blog happenings that sometimes leave me in tears? At least I can be somewhat productive. Like scheduling my blog posts for 7:00 am, so that you won't know that it was really typed at 1:55 am, the morning of.

Off to search for zzzzzzzs~


stephanie said...

Becky, there are no magic words to make you feel better or grieve less. I guess it's a process you need to go through on your own and in your own time.What I can tell you is that from my end, I can feel your strength. You are really amazing. Praying for you always.

Jess said...

Sweet about your sister's thoughts. You're blessed to have such supportive family.

I remember the not sleeping. I am 8 months out from the loss of my son and am just starting to sleep well again. I remember lying awake for hours before drifting off. I hated that and I hated pills. I just lay there and tried to think about something else, but as we both know, that's much easier said than done.

Anonymous said...

I wish there were something I could do, once I get transportation again, I am coming out there to be your friend, whatever YOU need that to be. I am amazed at you. I know our God is proud of you too and please do me a favor...........cut yourself some slack this is still so new, and in 20 years.... you know the rest. I love ya girl

christie said...

hi rebecca (((Hugs)))

isn't it so sad how our children grieve too? my son cried so hard while i held matthew the last time this week and i felt so BAD that not only do i hvae to deal with this loss but THEY do too. so unfair.

and on the milk... i know how much it hurts. i squeeze my breasts every few days to check. i honestly don't know what will be worse, seeing it gone or seeing it still there. everything about it just sucks.

i know just what you mean about the tears coming out at night when the days are busy. i haven't resumed cleaning/housework yet but i notice that when i cry a lot during the day, i don't break down as much at night.

wishing you some peace and healing on this day.


Ebe said...

That is the WORST! when the babies make eye contact with you...they have no idea that they are a painful reminder. Just sweetness...that has turned bittersweet for us.


Amber said...

Hang in there! Praying for you guys! Love, Amber