Tuesday, June 02, 2009

With the socks?

It must be around here somewhere. In the hall closet? Nope. Junk drawer? Uh-uh. Kids' overflowing toy box? No luck. Maybe it ended up where all the socks mysteriously go to when you put two in the washer but only one comes out in the dryer? Not a chance. What am I looking for?

My old life.

I know, though, that it is gone for good. Never to be seen again. I miss it though. And I am still adjusting to this new one, trying to at least feel comfortable in my own skin. I feel like I'm trying to put together a 5000 piece puzzle, except without the picture on the box as a reference. There is some frame here {I *always* put those straight-edged pieces together first}, but it seems like it will be a long time before I figure out what this new life is supposed to look like & how all the pieces will fit together.

There was a time when I just desperately wished I could've turned back the clock to a time when my life was less painful & complicated. I know, of course that that isn't possible, and besides, there is an appreciation and spiritual awareness to this new life that I'm living. I feel like there is a certain beauty to the different person that I've become {is it conceited to say that?} because of the sweet brokenness that Olivia has brought to my life. But at the same time, there are so many rough and broken edges to me that just feel so....unfamiliar. I apologize in advance if I accidentally hurt you with one of those jagged pieces of me. I really would never mean to. There have also been plenty of times, from our T18 diagnosis up until the present, that I wish the clock would just spin forward a year or so, but I know, yet again, that there would be so much that I would miss. So much that I need to go through, not just get over.

And so I'm just gonna stop looking for it, my old life. Hopefully, wherever it went, it has some nice, clean unmatched socks to keep it company.


Peaceful Chaoz said...

Thinking of you all. Thank you for sharing. :0)

chadandnikki said...

I couldn't agree more. I used to be over the top about the cleanliness of my house, but now it just doesn't seem worth it or important. Time my husband and son are more important. Continually praying for you and your family.

Laurie in Ca. said...


Thank you so much for sharing what life is like for you right now. I do puzzles, so I get it a little deeper now, and this example is very understandable to me. And I pray for many moms who have been where you are now, or are facing this in the future. I want so much to understand so I can be encouraging, and you have helped so much through your own pain here. Past, Present, Future. It must be so hard to be in the present, wondering who will emerge in the future. I know that it will be beautiful. You are beautiful now, as you walk in the middle of what is to be the new you. And you are so right, going through is what will get you to the person God has designed just for you. Step by step and moment by moment, you are getting there. You have my prayers sweetie.

Love and Hugs, Laurie

Brittany said...

Becki, I know where you sit and how you feel. After we loss our son Joey I just despertly wanted to "move on" not feel what I felt and not have to deal with what I was going through. But now I look back and I wish that I didnt try to just push my way through it. I wish I would have allowed myself to cry more and be alone more. Belive it or not this is the time where you need to just let your hair down and soak in every little thing around you. Cry if you wanna cry. Be and feel at a total loss if you feel that way. IT IS OK...I pray that you feel the comfort and love of everyone around you. Your life will NEVER be the same again. Some days will be harder then others. Some days you will just feel like going to her little head stone and just sit there all day long. It is ok to do that. I just want you to know that I have been praying for you and am still praying for you.

Joan Carr said...

So well wrote. God is still faithful for today,and He was for the yesterdays, and He will still be faithful for all your tomorrows. I'm still thinking of you and praying for you all.

Anna said...


Rebecca said...

@all: If even just one friend understands a little more about what it's like to live with grief, it will be a blessing to me and pray that you can pass some sort of comfort on to someone else.

@Britt: Thank you so much for sharing! I'm sure you know exactly what I am going through. I know it can't be easy for you either, to bring up painful memories of the past, but I am grateful that you are willing to do it. I think the part I needed to hear the most was to not just 'push my way through it' as you said. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Monica said...

I would just love to take a pill and make all the pain go away, but I have learned so much going through all this. And forgetting the pain would also mean forgetting Evan and I could never do that. I am so sorry you are going through this. I am praying for you.

Ebe said...

Oh, Becki! Yes to everything!

I would day dream about the life that 'should have been'. I often thought there was a door, if I could just get to the door that opened out to the life I was 'supposed to have' then everything would be okay.

Letting the dreams of life with Owen here on earth with us slowly slip away was really hard....I still hold onto to them, but we can't change anything and letting the 'old life' go is a good step forward.
As much as we'd like to go back, we can't.

I echo what Brittney said about taking your time and being alone and crying your eyes out...feeling it all...soak it in and cry out to the Lord. He has the strength to carry it all.

Praying for you.