Thursday, June 04, 2009

5-30-09: A Hard Day

I made it through Saturday {obviously}, which was Olivia's memorial service. A hard, but good day. I was a train-wreck on Friday night, but I decided to write out some thank you cards as therapy. It helped guide my heart from a woe-is-me attitude to one of gratefulness. In case you were unable to attend, I thought I share some of the small details of the day. I am so proud of how Olivia's program turned out. I love the photos I chose. The cover says:
Once upon a time, there was a hope. Hope of a new life, another daughter, a beloved sister, a precious granddaughter, an adored niece. A hope of beautiful memories to be made, a hope of a family of six, the hope of a sweet little girl. We named that hope.....Olivia.

Tatiana helped me pick out corsages for all the grandmothers and I bought one for each of my daughters as well. I lovingly presented each one, telling the person that it was so that everyone would know that they are Olivia's grandma or big sister. Just another way of trying to make the day 'special'.

I worked for hours on making two photo boards of some of our memories with Olivia. This was really healing for me. Weird, I know. I think it's that whole creative process thing. I have them sitting on my mantle for the time being & enjoy looking at them every night before I go to sleep.

We worshipped. We cried. We watched a beautiful slideshow set to the song 'Homesick' by Mercy Me. We were all touched by the beautiful song that I mentioned here, which was sung by my dear friend Stephanie. My husband gave the 'message', if you will, and shared much of our story. He's not much of an emotional guy, so when I say that he was having a hard time getting through it, you'll know how really difficult it was for him to share.

I knew I wouldn't have the strength to speak publicly, so I decided to write something included in the program. If you only knew how many drafts I went through before coming up with the end result; I was nearly driving myself crazy. Everything just seemed too....fake. Like I was only writing 'nice' things, so that no one would feel uncomfortable. I think what I wrote is heart-felt, yet honest:
That day in the ultrasound room was the worst day of my life. I will never forget the doctor's words, "There's a lot going on here....". The next few weeks were an agonizing roller coaster of hope & despair. I lived 'stuck' between praying for a miracle and planning for the probable. The hardest part was having the courage to love Olivia, even knowing that I would probably have to let her go. I thought my heart would break into a million pieces, but even so, this Mama just couldn't help to love her daughter fiercely. My constant prayer was for God's mercy, whatever tha might look like for me. He knew best & chose to take her Home on Mother's Day. I have never longed for Heaven like I do now, knowing that I will see Olivia again. Only Jesus makes that possible, so I will hold onto Him with all that I have until I see her again. Oh, how I love Olivia more than words could ever say.
I am so glad that I had the chance to thank and hug everyone who was there & had been a part of ours and Olivia's lives. {Since many of you are a part of our journey as well, I will fill you in on a little project I have for you in a upcoming post.} After the service, we enjoyed lots of sweets, drinks, and fellowship with our friends.

It was a really hard day.

Terrible, yet beautiful all at the same time.


Erin said...

truly beautiful. I am so sorry that I missed it. Please know that my abscence had no reflection on my prayers and thoughts of Olivia on Saturday.

stephanie said...

Becky,what a beautiful memorial service for Olivia, I am amazed at your strength. The details you thought of show just how fiercely you do love her. The photo boards that you made are so moving.And, it's not weird, as you put it that spending time and making the photo boards would be healing to you.I think it is a beautiful gift, from a mother to her precious daughter.A loving memory in her honor. I continue to pray for your constant healing.

Beth said...

Beautiful, Becki. Praying for you...espcially when I am unable to sleep.

Anna said...

It was beautiful Bec. Every precious detail was a reminder of how deeply sweet Olivia is loved.


Heather said...

The boards are beautiful! What a wonderful tribute to your daughter. We've never met and yet I find myself often tearing up for you and what you are going through. Know that many are praying for you and your family throughout this journey you are on.

The writing on the cover was so fitting and beautiful as well. You are not only honoring your daughter, but also teaching others courage, faith and love.


Anonymous said...

I thought it was beautiful every detail a tribute to sweet Olivia. Still praying and thinking of you non stop
Your friend

Peaceful Chaoz said...

It was truly beautiful. Thank you for allowing us to be a part of it and sharing yourselves with us. Love you!

PS Can you email me, cause i need to email you, but you know how my quirky email is being. ;0) thanks

Stephanie said...

I was honored to be a part of something so amazing! You are teaching me more than you know and more than I can express. Thank you for sharing your journey.

Hollie said...

The pictures are beautiful! Still thinking and praying for you guys often!

Ebe said...

So beautiful. What sweet memories you have. I love your pictures.

Olivia is a very loved little girl.