Tuesday, June 23, 2009


Several people tell me that they want to help me walk through this difficult time, but they don't know how. Or they just "can't relate". {And I'm so thankful, in a way, if you CAN'T!} So, perhaps glimpsing grief will help you understand better what someone might go through. Maybe that is part of Olivia's legacy: to teach us all how to be better comforters. Here is today's glimpse:

I have a hard time 'being happy for you'.

That's a pretty standard response when you hear about something wonderful that is happening to someone else, right? You say, "OH! I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU!" For me, some days I have a hard time being happy for myself, period, let alone being happy for someone else. It's not that I would wish something terrible on someone, it's not like that at all. Maybe it's jealousy? I'm not quite sure. I feel like I could say, "Well. I praise God for that happening in your life." But, happy? Um, notsomuch.

I realize that life goes on for other people. What you should know, is that sometimes for me, it feels like life is standing still. Like I'm just spinning my wheels. Some things you just might choose not tell me, like getting a promotion or meeting someone-like-Mr.-Wonderful. For the really important things, it's a matter of timing. If I'm seeming sullen and somber or crying, that probably isn't the best time to tell me that you've just bought your dream house or that *gulp* you're pregnant. To not say anything might not be the best route for these BIG things because when I show up at your door and a stranger answers and says you don't live there anymore, believe me, I'll figure out that you've moved. I'm just smart like that. If you're a blogger, well, timing is a non-issue, really. I'll read it when I read it. If I don't comment, please know that I probably just don't have the right words.

Having new babies is probably the most difficult, painful pill to swallow of all. On the one hand, I am so thankful that your baby is healthy and that your lives have been changed in such a wonderful way. On the other hand, that baby is yours and I just can't help but think, "That should be me." I don't know how I will handle this when it happens. I would hate to plop big salty tears all over your newborn and have my grief as an intruder on your "happy" moment. God, help me.

I hope this all doesn't sound to me-centered. That's not my intention at all. I truly believe in mourning with those who are mourning and rejoicing with those who are rejoicing. It's just that..... rejoicing while you are mourning is kinda difficult. One day, I'm sure I will be able to say it again and really mean it....

...I am happy for you.


chadandnikki said...

This is just way too hard some days. It's hard seeing infants at Walmart, and being jealous of their mothers, and all the time they get with their baby. Praying for you.

Stephanie said...

I haven't commented on your last few posts because of exactly what you said - I don't know how to help or what to say [or not say].

Just know I'm praying for you. still. and will continue.

Anonymous said...

I read something once that said happiness is based on outward circumstances, but joy is based on our relationship with the Lord. May His joy suround you and trickle down into your grieving heart. love, mom

Kayla said...

I stumbled upon your blog, and yet I don't really believe in "stumbling upon" anything. You're right. There is nothing anyone can say. There is nothing that will make it right. May I just say, even though I don't know you... how deeply sorry I am that you are walking through the desert and weeping for your daughter. It is something no mother should ever have to do. Even in your overwhelming grief may you know the safety of His arms... may you be flooded by the rains of grace.. and may you feel it as he gently and ever so slowly binds up your wounds. Thank you for being transparent and sharing your heart even when it hurts. God honors that more than you know.

Much Love,

Ebe said...

Oh wow. I so get this.
It amazes me (I hope this doesn't come off sounding bad) that you are so in touch with how you are feeling and what you are feeling. It has only been a little over a month...
It is so beautiful to watch.

I feel that same way. Even almost 20 months later, I still feel this way. I want to be happy. I want to rejoice with those who rejoice, but sometimes I just can't. I have to walk away and let the sadness escape and (hopefully) run to Jesus with it.

Praying for you today.
Oh, I don't know if you saw my email address on the comment you left but if not...it is ebe.mnly@gmail.com


Anonymous said...

There is a grieving process that must take place beyond the 2 weeks society gives you to get over it. It will come back very strong on the year anniversary. Your body has also had a baby and there is no feeding, baths, ect. Still your body is adjusting back to normal.
After 34 years you will not be able to go to the grave without crying but It will get easier and you will have grown in the Lord because He is so FAITHFUL to remind you that you have a beautiful daughter waiting for you.
Been there and praying for you.

Rebecca said...

Thanks for all the sweetness, girls! It makes me feel better to know that maybe I am {somewhat} normal through all this after all.

@Kayla: Welcome! Glad you 'stumbled on' me. Although we don't believe in coincidence, right?

@Ebe: Thanks! I added your addy to my contacts so I can email you when I want to check up on you or just chat :>)

stephanie said...

I don't think you should worry about being happy for anyone at this time in your life. Becky, you just went to hell and back! I have a hard time feeling happy for people when I'm just having a bad day! Really. What I'm praying for is that you find peace and happiness,real happiness again. Then you can be happy for the rest of us. We'll wait, haha. But seriously, I'm amazed at your strength, with every post you prove that it will be "good" one day. As alwasys sending prayers

chris mitch travis cana said...

ahh...i JUST wrote these very words myself! I had Cana last october 8th. She lived for 27 hours. Praise God for those 27 hours and the 9 months I got to keep her safe in my tummy. But i grieve with you. and i get it. I totally get it. I phrased it rather bluntly...everything is marred with the taste of death. It's too fresh for us right now. I WANT to be happy for you and that new baby girl you are holding in your arms. But I am lost in the thought that maybe you were "more faithful" than we were...that you got to "keep" yours. I know that's a lie being whispered in my ears..but sometimes i'm not so strong as to deny it. Lord, please give us strength in our weakness and show us how to glorify you even and especially in our brokenness.

Jeana said...

Rebecca, I'm so sorry you lost your little girl. I remember too well wondering if Kaelyn was going to make it here. Twice a week at the hospital, wondering if she was still alive inside of me as I hadn't felt her move in days. I can't say I know what you're going through, because though I feared I would lose her before she got here, I now realize that the "fear" of something is still not near as painful as the reality of it. I understand what you are saying in this post, how its hard to feel happy for others. I had a really hard time a couple weeks ago because it seemed that everywhere I looked people were out and about with their newborn babies, and I just wanted to do the same. It hurt worse than I ever imagined it would, but thankfully through help from God, my heart doesn't continually ache. Thank you for your blog and for your comments on Kaelyn's blog.