5-30-09: A Hard Day

I made it through Saturday {obviously}, which was Olivia's memorial service. A hard, but good day. I was a train-wreck on Friday night, but I decided to write out some thank you cards as therapy. It helped guide my heart from a woe-is-me attitude to one of gratefulness. In case you were unable to attend, I thought I share some of the small details of the day. I am so proud of how Olivia's program turned out. I love the photos I chose. The cover says:

Once upon a time, there was a hope. Hope of a new life, another daughter, a beloved sister, a precious granddaughter, an adored niece. A hope of beautiful memories to be made, a hope of a family of six, the hope of a sweet little girl. We named that hope.....Olivia.

Tatiana helped me pick out corsages for all the grandmothers and I bought one for each of my daughters as well. I lovingly presented each one, telling the person that it was so that everyone would know that they are Olivia's grandma or big sister. Just another way of trying to make the day 'special'.


I worked for hours on making two photo boards of some of our memories with Olivia. This was really healing for me. Weird, I know. I think it's that whole creative process thing. I have them sitting on my mantle for the time being & enjoy looking at them every night before I go to sleep.




We worshipped. We cried. We watched a beautiful slideshow set to the song 'Homesick' by Mercy Me. We were all touched by the beautiful song that I mentioned here, which was sung by my dear friend Stephanie. My husband gave the 'message', if you will, and shared much of our story. He's not much of an emotional guy, so when I say that he was having a hard time getting through it, you'll know how really difficult it was for him to share.

I knew I wouldn't have the strength to speak publicly, so I decided to write something included in the program. If you only knew how many drafts I went through before coming up with the end result; I was nearly driving myself crazy. Everything just seemed too....fake. Like I was only writing 'nice' things, so that no one would feel uncomfortable. I think what I wrote is heart-felt, yet honest:

That day in the ultrasound room was the worst day of my life. I will never forget the doctor's words, "There's a lot going on here....". The next few weeks were an agonizing roller coaster of hope & despair. I lived 'stuck' between praying for a miracle and planning for the probable. The hardest part was having the courage to love Olivia, even knowing that I would probably have to let her go. I thought my heart would break into a million pieces, but even so, this Mama just couldn't help to love her daughter fiercely. My constant prayer was for God's mercy, whatever tha might look like for me. He knew best & chose to take her Home on Mother's Day. I have never longed for Heaven like I do now, knowing that I will see Olivia again. Only Jesus makes that possible, so I will hold onto Him with all that I have until I see her again. Oh, how I love Olivia more than words could ever say.

I am so glad that I had the chance to thank and hug everyone who was there & had been a part of ours and Olivia's lives. {Since many of you are a part of our journey as well, I will fill you in on a little project I have for you in a upcoming post.} After the service, we enjoyed lots of sweets, drinks, and fellowship with our friends.

It was a really hard day.

Terrible, yet beautiful all at the same time.