Tuesday, September 13, 2011

A Tiny Blessing

I hesitate.

I hesitate to put fingers to keys, feelings to words, to give heartache a voice. Should pain be kept private? I remember reading once that a loaf of bread will feed only one, but broken, it will feed many. I do believe that allowing our brokenness to be shared can bring healing to other broken hearts, knits us together who have gone through similar trials, gives us courage to continue on the hard road.

I had a tiny blessing. We were expecting our fifth child! I was cautiously excited as this was our first pregnancy since our precious Olivia died. Time passed. Days. Weeks. We told our families. We told our children.

And then lightening struck. Miscarriage.

I had felt immune, I think, as if I had already endured enough horror and trauma with Olivia's diagnosis and death. Like I had used up all my allotted Bad Stuff and had only Good to look forward to. But the Lord gives and the Lord takes away.

Sometimes much quicker than we prefer.

I am awestruck at the faith of my daughter and my future sister-in-law. Praying for miracles! Maybe all hope had not been lost! Not just faith to move a mountain, faith to move an entire mountain range. I am blessed by their belief and pray for Him to increase my faith, as it seems so little in comparison. I realized that when I heard the doctor's words on Sunday, verifying that there is no longer life within, that even I too had been holding onto hope. Maybe my faith is a little bigger than I thought.

There is comfort in knowing that Olivia has been joined by a sibling. Big sister and little living together amidst His glory. A strange sort of comfort which leaves in its wake...an ache. That I am mother of five, but parent to three. That I have children (plural)....children whom I will not know on earth. That I have a large family, although it might not appear so to the naked eye. 

And I grope to find Him. I try to convince myself of His continual goodness, even if my earthly eyes struggle to see it. I desperately search for His kind hand at every turn. I can not even begin to understand the "why" and the "what for". Maybe you are there too, friend. Crawling through the valley. Trying to make sense of the seemingly senseless. Hesitating to give feelings their voice.

Know that I am there with you. Hurting. Healing. Hoping?

Praying that we can find Him together,

7 comments:

Ang said...

Becki, Thanks for once again sharing your pain and your struggles. You have a way with words. Yet, I am without words. I'm so sorry for your loss, again. Know that you are loved.

Jeana said...

My heart goes out to you and your dear family.

Andrea said...

Beautiful words. I'm so sorry, my friend. Love you!

stephanie said...

Becki, I'm so sorry. Sorry that your heart has to break again, and sorry that no one can tell you why. Only God knows why His plan is what it is.

Hang on to your faith and hang on to hope with all your strength.

Sending you prayers ,my friend.

Heather said...

I'm so sorry for your loss! Prayers for peace and healing...

Have you read the book "Heaven is for Real" by any chance? Am amazing true story of a little boy's visit to heaven and the impact that had on his family as he began to reveal it to them as only a 4 year old can! There is a specific part that really made me cry and still brought me such joy for some of our friends who have lost babies that I would HIGHLY recommend it to you.

Thank you for sharing and prayers for your whole family,
Heather

Teresa Farmer said...

My friend Jeana sent me to your blog cause I went through exactly what you did and understand your pain. My daughter passed a year ago this Thursday and I had a miscarriage a few weeks ago. Thanks for sharing this and I will be praying for you. It is not easy to go through what we have.

Ebe said...

I'm so so sorry, friend. I'm praying.

love,
ebe