Do you know?

Do you know?

Do you know, little fuzzy-haired boy, how loved you are by me who shares no DNA?

Do you know, boy with curious eyebrows, how curious I am at what your future holds, wondering if this time will be the last time I see you, begging God to find you and fill you?

Do you know, small child, of the prayers that I have said on your behalf, off-and-on for the last 10 months since we first met, of protection and hope, of miracles for your earthly Mama so that your life might not be so stinkin' hard?

Do you know, energetic little sprite, how tiring it can be to take care of you and thankless too, the pouring in, the kisses, the wrestles, the heart-love, knowing that there will likely be no earthly return on my investment?

Do you know, happy toddler, of all the memories we have made together, of crawling, and walks in the stroller, of screams I could not comfort, of laughing til you grew hoarse, of first steps and haircuts, of photos snapping instants in time, watching you grow?

Do you know, momentary son, how you turn our lives upside-down while you are here, but leave us with hearts gaping when you leave?

Do you know, innocent one, of the loss in this Mama's heart, so big and pervasive that it is a true miracle that I can even do this thing, this loving and letting go?

No, you could not possibly know. And I realize that you might never. But your knowing is not necessary. Your thanks is not needed. I know that He knows, even if you won't. And He is the reason, His beckoning to help little ones and Mamas who don't know about the light yoke.

And I am so glad that you came in time to remind me of this, that all that I do should be for His glory and fame. You give my heart perspective during this season, even if you will never know it.

Big Enough

In nearly 48 hours from now, my little brother will be getting married. His bride-to-be is a wonderful young lady, who happens to share my exact first and middle name! I have had the privilege to get to know her over the last several months and will proudly stand beside her {in my guava colored bridesmaids' dress} as she marries the love of her life, my little brother.

I pray that He restores my joy and infuses my heart with happiness before Saturday.

Because life just doesn't stop. My brother will get married. My bestie from high school will wed her man only a few weeks from now. Another BFF is pregnant and is due only 10 days before I was. We shared only one day of joy and giggles over being pregnant together, which I am truly thankful for. She hesitates to share happy news, knowing that my heart is still broken.

But I think I am big enough.

Big enough to know that the world keeps on turning even when we're hurting.

Big enough to love & put other people first and be happy for them, even if I am only smiling on the outside. Because grief and joy do mingle.

Big enough to remember that I will not always feel the way I do today. Time will pass. My heart will heal. I will hope and laugh again. Joy will be restored.

Big enough to believe that He is BIG ENOUGH for all my sorrow, even if my heart forgets it sometimes. He is BIG ENOUGH to handle it all.

And that's the most important big enough of all.

What I Did on my Summer Vacation - Part 1

a.k.a. The Nature Edition

We loaded up our "new-to-us" hand-me-down Ford Explorer for her maiden camping voyage! The Explorer had been camping before, but she has spent most of her life living in Chicago. Not only did she move to the country, but now she would be doing what she was made for: off-roading!

We were super excited because several other families from our church's life group would be joining us. There was a little hiccup with our reserved campsite, but we got it straightened out and ended up with a perfectly gorgeous & secluded site with full view of the lake. (We went to Blackhawk Lake; our go-to spot for fabulous family camping!) 

 We ate lots of tasty food & both the little kids and BIG kids made great memories together. My son discovered a love for hiking; I think he wore out my poor dear husband! And the girls renewed their love for tree climbing as there were some great climbers just a stone's throw from our tent.

We haven't spent too much time outside this summer because of the brutal heat that we had experienced. Also, heat exacerbates Sebastian's eczema, so we try to keep him as cool (a.k.a. indoors) as possible. With much of my days spent inside, it makes me especially appreciate amazing summer sunsets. God has a paintbrush that man will never be able to replicate!

Stayed tuned for more editions of WIDOMSV, including the Party Edition and the Wedding Edition!

Lots of Bits & Pieces

I suffered through the stomach flu last week. It was several days of discomfort and one day of total misery and yuckiness. I recovered in time to make some fabulous food for Easter weekend.
**
We went to an Easter egg hunt and won an ipod shuffle in a raffle! I felt like I was on The Price is Right, complete with waving arms, whooping, and running towards the front.
**
The Husband is jobless again. It is disappointing in many ways, but not unfamiliar territory. I am relying, not only on God, but also on all the hard earned lessons learned in difficult seasons past. I am leaning hard into focusing on the positives (family time galore!) and enjoying the reconnection with my lover. I know God will not let me go hungry and does care about even my smallest needs.
**
This is our last week with our current Safe Families baby. I think I will actually be sad to see him go! We have decided to expand our acceptable age range to 0-8 and are looking forward to who God brings us next.
**
April 20th marked the two-year anniversary of our devastating ultrasound with Olivia. There was only lingering sadness and a few brief times of painful memories. One comment that still stands out in my mind is when speaking with one of OBs by phone, she said, "Don't do anything heroic." (They wanted to admit me to the hospital because of high blood pressure for the duration of the pregnancy.) Little did she know that I would do the most heroic thing I could think of: continue to love a daughter that was destined to live a brief life. It's an irony that I still shake my head at.
**
We are building bunkbeds! Remember the farmhouse bed we built for ourselves last fall? We are doing farmhouse style bunkbeds (with an arch) for our girls and I couldn't be more excited! We have had the materials for some time now and now that the Husband has lots of free time, we are getting them made. I can't wait to show you the final product!
**
The Husband and I are becoming increasingly interested in pursuing training in Biblical counseling. We have taken an introductory course regarding this and have purchased a book which we are studying independently. We really feel God moving us forward together in this area of ministry and are both looking forward to serving Him together as offer help and healing to hurting people.

I think that catches you up on most of the big happenings in our corner of the world!

The Good Word

The good word is that we were approved for our Safe Families homestudy and are now officially a Safe Family! We could get a phone call any day about a child needing a temporary place to stay. My heart stutters into an irregular pattern every time the phone rings. CAH-RAZY, I tell ya. Because of our geographic location (rural outskirts of the two major metropolitan areas where the SF offices are located), it seems that we might not get as many placements as if we lived in "the city", but we will be open to whatever He has in store for us.

There are lots of online training videos to work through, which I am doing a little at a time. I am still amazed at the working model of being the "extended family" to these biological moms. Can you imagine being a single mom of a few little ones, living at or below poverty level, in a city where you have no family, no support, no one to come along side you? Imagine you get seriously ill, lose your job, or get in a car accident with no aunt, cousin, or stable close friend to call in your time of need? Alone. Lonely. Scared. Depressed. Hopeless. Homeless.

How often do I take for granted that help is just a phone call away?! A large cushion of family and friends just standing by. I am *seriously* so blessed and I realize it more and more every day.

A Letter

Dear Sorely Neglected Blog,

It's been far too long, hasn't it? On a few rare occasions over the last couple months, I have thought about deleting you, but that would be like throwing out a journal just because it's been awhile since the last entry. I would never do that and I still have journals from 10 years ago to prove it. I guess I've just been busy. Busy making new friends, busy cherishing the old ones, busy living life, busy grieving, busy entertaining, busy homeschooling, busy crafting, busy with a little Etsy shop, busy building things, busy decorating. Just. Plain. Busy. And then after so much time passes, I wonder where to even begin. Just pick up where I left off? Jump head-first into the details of my latest project? Tell of all the ways God has shown up in the last few months?

We have celebrated each day that the Husband has had his full-time job and this Thursday will be his 4-month-iversary. We are thankful. Although, I'd be lying if I didn't admit to carrying around a lump of uncertainty in my heart. When bad news has stricken so many times, it leaves one feeling jumpy. I have been relishing the security that a regular paycheck provides and continually reaffirm in my heart that 'it all comes from Him anyways'.

We celebrated 12 years of marriage back in October and decided to forego an anniversary getaway in lieu of decorating our master bedroom. I say 'decorating', as opposed to REdecorating, on purpose. One would have to have had something already decorated in order to redecorate it. With these last several lean years, cans of paint and curtains have been the last thing on our purchasing list. Heck, they haven't even been on the list. But I think God is slowly fanning the flame within me to make my home more of a haven, to use my creative skills to feather my nest, and to really think & plan out how I can make this house a softer place to land. I can't wait to tell you all about the big bedroom projects that the Husband and I undertook together.

My only son turned 3 yesterday and it leaves me feeling bittersweet. I clung to his babyhood so fiercely because of Olivia's death. In God's mercy, Sebastian was still young enough for snuggles, rocking chair lullabies, walks in the stroller, and cries of "Mama". But there is no denying that his baby days are long gone, only to be replaced by a young boy who is smarter than his years, who thinks in paragraphs but talks in fragmented sentences, who is witty but shy, who is crazy about Spiderman/Iron Man/Superman, who loves the measuring tape, who hates baths and still suffers from eczema, and whose favorite song is "Jesus Loves Me", which he refers to as " 's I know".

This time of the year will always leave me missing Olivia more than the other seasons. I discovered I was pregnant just two days before Thanksgiving and the holidays make me think about family more often. We do lots of things as a family, have our family picture taken, hang up the stockings for our family, get together and celebrate with family, and yet, although some 19 months have nearly passed, I am keenly aware that our "whole" family will never be together on this earth. She will always be missing, until the day when everything will be made right. The girls desparately want Olivia to have a stocking to hang up with the others and I'm supposing I will have to get to making one. The rest were hand-made by me and I really should make one to match. I'm thinking only a tiny stocking will do, but my heart needs to brace itself just a bit more before I undertake it. I pray that before Christmas day I will be able to add that little reminder to our holiday decor.

I hope this letter finds you well, dear blog, and all my friendly readers too.

Until I write again,

Falling for Fall

I *love* fall. It's my absolute favorite season of the year. Sometimes I'll go outside and just take a really deep breath and close my eyes, face toward the sky. A gentle breeze is just the icing on my autumn cake. It's a great time of year for photos too. These were taken on an impromptu nature walk today.

Hope you're finding time to relish His Creation, the heavenly weather, and simple blessings!

 Happy fall~

Hee-haw!

I'm in love with a camera. My old faithful Sony Cybershot died in DisneyWorld and so I've been camera borrowing ever since. Right now I'm in possession of my neighbor's Nikon D40. I'm tempted to keep it, but I'm sure she'd notice. *sigh* In the meantime, what's a girl to do besides hold some really fun photo shoots. My most recent subject wanted to show off her new cowgirl boots and handmade cowgirl skirt.

By the way, I also discovered the histogram adjustment layer on Photoshop Elements. That's just a geeky way of saying I can make the photos look really cool. I like that last shot so much, I might have to frame it for my wall. Not bad for an amateur, eh? Now if only I can get a great camera....
 

ReCommissioned

com·mis·sion vb.

1. The act of granting certain powers or the authority to carry out a particular task or duty.

I received my recommissioning. My authority and powers as head homemaker have returned. All because my sidekick has flown the coop. In other words...

...the husband got a job.

Not just any job, mind you. A job that seems so good that my head is still spinning. I am still holding my breath, waiting for the "catch" or the "attached strings", which have yet to materialize. He will be working as a Bilingual Employment Recruiter and I don't think that a different position could use his skills and gifts as well as this one.

I'm still shaking my head.


But in the last few years, my homemaking skills have grown a little rusty. The advantages of having a husband home a lot are many, but one of the downsides is being out-of-practice as a one-woman-show. I need igure out some semblance of a routine, make a meal plan including filling the freezer, and reignite the flame for making this home a soft place to land. 


On the Husband's first day, we took him to a small local restaurant as a way of honoring and celebrating him. It's only about 10 minutes from home, but as we sat down my 5-year-old remarked that "it took forever to get here".

"Yeah. About two-and-a-half years," I said.

The kids were confused.

But the Husband and I exchanged a knowing look.

It has been a really long road.

Nature Walk

We love ourselves a good nature walk! I have a 5-year-old who is an expert robin's egg detector. She would find them everywhere! We love to just meander through the neighborhood admiring different trees, discussing their species, and stopping and smelling flowers of course! I think some of our best conversations happen when we are unplugged, away from TV, phone or computer. On a recent walk....

Don't forget to stop and smell the flowers!

Missing the Boys

This will be the longest amount of time I've ever spent away from either of my boys. I am most concerned about the little guy. Mommy will be praying for him every day!

Aren't we fabulous?

I know I will miss my big guy too. I'm sure we will have so much catching up to do when I get back.

Love you Babe! Can't wait to be back in your arms again!

XXXXOOOO,

Captured.

I captured this heart-warming conversation between my oldest daughter and my Husband on IM last week:

Tatiana:

Good morning Dad how are you?

Dad:

Morning tati I'm OK. How are you?

Tatiana:

I'm OK

Dad:

what r u doing?

Tatiana:

Eating breakfast and IMing u.

Dad:

wow! u r talented. have i told u how special u r?

Tatiana:

I think so

Dad:

just want 2 make sure u know. i love you but more important Jesus loves u

Tatiana:

Good. When do you get you'r paycheck?

Dad:

well deposited a check 2day will have another maybe 2mrow or monday

Tatiana:

Ok cause i was thinking tomorrow if you get the check we can go somewhere for dinner tomorrow.

Dad:

sounds good 2me

we have to check with mom 1st

Tatiana:

Alright i gotta G-o because Spud wants me to play outside with him.Bye

Dad:

K. LOVE YOU

It cracks me up that Daddy is trying to convey his love and talk about Jesus, while my daughter just wants to know about Daddy's paycheck!

Incredible, Jr.

This Incredibles suit has gotten more use and laughs than any other costume in our house. It is on its third child now. Sebastian has even created his own word for "Incredibles", since he is still working on his speech development. The word he made up? HI-YAH! (as if you were gonna Karate chop someone)

Incredibly smart, incredibly cute, incredibly strong tempered. I love my incredible son!

Sister-in-love

Wednesday started out like any other day, but ended up like no other. Right around the time that I was sitting down to have my quiet time, my husband called while en route to tell me that his sister was in the hospital and was expected to have emergency surgery later that day. I was worried, no doubt. My mind started to go there. You know, those dark recesses of your mind that hold the fears that you might not even want to admit to yourself, let alone talk about out loud.

At the same time, my eyes were reading through my devotional page....

I need not be afraid

God knows the fears and faith struggles that keep you awake in the night

he wants to bless us

beckons us to leave our fear behind

And the tears were pouring down, people. Because this is a sister-in-law like no other and I don't even want to imagine what my life would be like without her. This probably is sounding pretty dramatic; to the doctors I'm sure it was nothing more than a routine gallbladder removal. But to me, the fear was very real. Probably even more so because I no longer believe the lie that "everything's gonna be okay". I have erased that phrase from my vocabulary because that just isn't something we can be sure of, let alone promise someone else. I used to believe that I was good enough, blessed enough, loved-by-God enough that nothing terrible would ever happen to me. (Crazy, right?) Those things happen to other people. But now that I am other people, these kinds of situations shake me up real good.

In all His wisdom, God allowed this hospital to have Bible verses posted around the hospital that spoke to me throughout the day. His Words brought me the peace that I so desperately needed. The first one was Job 33:4 which I continually prayed over my patient :

The Spirit of God has made me; the breath of the Almighty gives me life.

And the second one (Psalm 145:18), after she came out of surgery with flying colors, was posted right out side her room:

The LORD is near to all who call on him...

And I praised Him for hearing me and for it being in His will to answer how He did.

In the quiet late afternoon, I had some time to reflect on the day. I remembered arriving at the hospital, wanting to see my patient in pre-op, and the nurse asked me if I was a relative.

Yes, I'm her sister.

(And proud of it, too.)

A different nurse actually did ask if we really were sisters. And as we explained our relationship, she commented that those kind of sisters are really the best kind. Because we love one another and are true friends, even though we aren't obligated to by some sense of familial duty.

And during my little quiet time, the only thing that kept me from falling soundly asleep (like the patient) was the beep, beep, beeping of her pulse ox monitor. It might've been utterly annoying to some, but to me the sound was beautiful, reminding me that it belongs to a heart that beats so nearly to my own.

I am one lucky sister-(in-law).

Any one else blessed to have a wonderful sister-in-law?

1000 Words