A Tiny Blessing

I hesitate.

I hesitate to put fingers to keys, feelings to words, to give heartache a voice. Should pain be kept private? I remember reading once that a loaf of bread will feed only one, but broken, it will feed many. I do believe that allowing our brokenness to be shared can bring healing to other broken hearts, knits us together who have gone through similar trials, gives us courage to continue on the hard road.

I had a tiny blessing. We were expecting our fifth child! I was cautiously excited as this was our first pregnancy since our precious Olivia died. Time passed. Days. Weeks. We told our families. We told our children.

And then lightening struck. Miscarriage.

I had felt immune, I think, as if I had already endured enough horror and trauma with Olivia's diagnosis and death. Like I had used up all my allotted Bad Stuff and had only Good to look forward to. But the Lord gives and the Lord takes away.

Sometimes much quicker than we prefer.

I am awestruck at the faith of my daughter and my future sister-in-law. Praying for miracles! Maybe all hope had not been lost! Not just faith to move a mountain, faith to move an entire mountain range. I am blessed by their belief and pray for Him to increase my faith, as it seems so little in comparison. I realized that when I heard the doctor's words on Sunday, verifying that there is no longer life within, that even I too had been holding onto hope. Maybe my faith is a little bigger than I thought.

There is comfort in knowing that Olivia has been joined by a sibling. Big sister and little living together amidst His glory. A strange sort of comfort which leaves in its wake...an ache. That I am mother of five, but parent to three. That I have children (plural)....children whom I will not know on earth. That I have a large family, although it might not appear so to the naked eye. 

And I grope to find Him. I try to convince myself of His continual goodness, even if my earthly eyes struggle to see it. I desperately search for His kind hand at every turn. I can not even begin to understand the "why" and the "what for". Maybe you are there too, friend. Crawling through the valley. Trying to make sense of the seemingly senseless. Hesitating to give feelings their voice.

Know that I am there with you. Hurting. Healing. Hoping?

Praying that we can find Him together,

Sister-in-love

Wednesday started out like any other day, but ended up like no other. Right around the time that I was sitting down to have my quiet time, my husband called while en route to tell me that his sister was in the hospital and was expected to have emergency surgery later that day. I was worried, no doubt. My mind started to go there. You know, those dark recesses of your mind that hold the fears that you might not even want to admit to yourself, let alone talk about out loud.

At the same time, my eyes were reading through my devotional page....

I need not be afraid

God knows the fears and faith struggles that keep you awake in the night

he wants to bless us

beckons us to leave our fear behind

And the tears were pouring down, people. Because this is a sister-in-law like no other and I don't even want to imagine what my life would be like without her. This probably is sounding pretty dramatic; to the doctors I'm sure it was nothing more than a routine gallbladder removal. But to me, the fear was very real. Probably even more so because I no longer believe the lie that "everything's gonna be okay". I have erased that phrase from my vocabulary because that just isn't something we can be sure of, let alone promise someone else. I used to believe that I was good enough, blessed enough, loved-by-God enough that nothing terrible would ever happen to me. (Crazy, right?) Those things happen to other people. But now that I am other people, these kinds of situations shake me up real good.

In all His wisdom, God allowed this hospital to have Bible verses posted around the hospital that spoke to me throughout the day. His Words brought me the peace that I so desperately needed. The first one was Job 33:4 which I continually prayed over my patient :

The Spirit of God has made me; the breath of the Almighty gives me life.

And the second one (Psalm 145:18), after she came out of surgery with flying colors, was posted right out side her room:

The LORD is near to all who call on him...

And I praised Him for hearing me and for it being in His will to answer how He did.

In the quiet late afternoon, I had some time to reflect on the day. I remembered arriving at the hospital, wanting to see my patient in pre-op, and the nurse asked me if I was a relative.

Yes, I'm her sister.

(And proud of it, too.)

A different nurse actually did ask if we really were sisters. And as we explained our relationship, she commented that those kind of sisters are really the best kind. Because we love one another and are true friends, even though we aren't obligated to by some sense of familial duty.

And during my little quiet time, the only thing that kept me from falling soundly asleep (like the patient) was the beep, beep, beeping of her pulse ox monitor. It might've been utterly annoying to some, but to me the sound was beautiful, reminding me that it belongs to a heart that beats so nearly to my own.

I am one lucky sister-(in-law).

Any one else blessed to have a wonderful sister-in-law?

The Great BIG Good News Post

As if my post the other day wasn't great news enough, there's more!

At the beginning of the month I celebrated my 32nd birthday. Birthdays are pretty special around our house and even more so now that we've really given deep thought to the privilege of having a birth day. One of my dearest friends from high school, along with her boyfriend, took us out to dinner. We found a babysitter on the spur of the moment and we were off to enjoy some hibachi-style cuisine. It was fabulous! (But catching up with an old friend was equally great!) 

"...a time to be born..."

That same weekend another of my bestest girls celebrated a birthday and I made some treats.

 

 

I also made some chocolate cupcakes with whipped chocolate ganache which tasted, if I do say so, really divine. But alas, I failed to get a picture of those. Since we're on the topic, should I start referring to myself as the Cupcake Queen? Cupcake Diva?

"...a time to embrace..."

And more.....

Four years ago my mom promised my oldest daughter a trip to Disney World when she turned eight. We never worked out what the exact details would be, who would go, etc. Well people, the time has come. Yesterday marked the start of a three-month countdown to our all-girls trip to Disney! If you do the math correctly, we will be leaving only 3 days after the date Olivia was born. I am sure I will be mournful around those days, but am praying that I will be able to have this special time of celebration as well.

"...a time to weep and a time to laugh..."

And still more....

Guess whose children must've turned on the outside water hose when they built a snowman back in December? And so guess whose water bill was about 3 times what it normally is for the month of January? And shortly after I received said bill, guess who received a spontaneous donation of money from a gal in my mom's small group which was just enough to cover the bill? Amazing, huh?!!!!

"...a time to gather stones together..."

And yet more....

Since I'm sure you're tired of guessing from that last paragraph, I won't make you guess anymore. The Husband received not one, but two great job offers last week. Two!! After two years of our little business struggling through, we have decided to accept a full-time job as an employee and continue to do small contractual jobs on the side. We are all sad to see Daddy leave our family as he heads back to work, but are happy for the respite that this steady income will provide. We know that God has His perfect timing and just feel so blessed that we have arrived at this point still clinging to His promises.

I don't think I'll ever forget the year that the Husband got a job for my birthday!

"...a time to weep and a time to dance..."

And now, my friends, I feel like dancing.

Feel free to do a little jig on my behalf!

A Thanksgiving Photo Timeline

 Wednesday, 8:16 pm

The turkey has been brined. I am looking mean and ready to break in my new kitchen shears by attacking preparing my turkey. This will be my first attempt at a high-heat butterflied roast turkey.

8: 57 pm

After fretting, chatting with a friend for a few minutes, lots of consulting with a cookbook (and Google), I finally was able to successfully hack out the turkey's backbone. Good Lord, what have I done? Now this gobbler goes back in the fridge, uncovered, so that the moisture from the brine can evaporate from the skin.

10:06 pm

Well, if my roasted turkey doesn't turn out and we end up ordering pizza at least the kids will have these cute little gobblers to play with. (I have Martha Stewart to thank for the template!)

Thanksgiving Day, 8:32 am

Roll out of bed. Since my high-heat turkey will only take about 2 hours, I don't have to worry about starting the oven at the crack of dawn. I spared you from having to see what I look like when I first wake-up.

10:45 am

Show Tatiana how to make pretty stamped napkin rings. I am intentionally trying to teach the girls how to 'practice hospitality' and am internally thanking myself for not planning a crazy-complicated menu.

10: 48 am

Sienna is given the task of counting out the silverware. I want to make even my small children feel like they are a part of hosting The Big Day.

11:06 am

Nice little napkin rings are complete!

11:28 am

Sienna is bored. I take out our Fun with Fingerprinting book to keep her entertained while I tidy the house.

12: 31 pm

Call Mom to see how her Thanksgiving Day is going. She nearly has a coronary when she hears that I haven't even turned on my oven yet. She says she's heard about this fandangled high-heat method on the radio. Well, if it was on the radio, then it must have some validity right? My confidence is boosted.

1:12 pm

Husband has me watch the intro and first 10 minutes of the movie Up, which he rented for the kids. After those first several scenes (if you've seen it, you'll know what I mean), I go and shut myself in the bathroom and have a good cry. I think to myself that at exactly this time last year, I was discovering that I was pregnant with Olivia and had cried on the very same bathroom floor. I contemplate just canceling my Thanksgiving dinner. But I dry my eyes and decide to forge ahead.

1:45 pm

Start the dough for World's Best Rolls. With a recipe name like that, I have pretty high expectations. The last time I tried a recipe that said "Best"-whatever, it did not live up to the promise. I hope this one will be different.

3:18 pm

My turkey goes in the oven 3 minutes late.

3:33 pm

Why do I feel like I am already behind my pre-planned timeline even though I've barely started cooking? I decide to move a little faster than I had planned. Good thing I have a lot of kitchen experience and many of my cooking skills can go on auto-pilot.

4:20 pm

Sienna is bored. Again. She decides to write out a dinner menu. So, in between mixing, measuring, recipe-checking, timeline consulting, and stirring, I am dictating words to her and pointing out which letters on her letter chart are for each word. Yes. Homeschooling to the core. Plus, I couldn't resist how cute she looked. First thing on her Thanksgiving menu? Hot dogs. Um, I don't think so, sweetie.

4:29 pm

My guests are on their way. Due to some family issues, we decided to keep things low-key and just invite a family of dear friends over for dinner. No turning back now!

4: 33 pm

My timer goes off. A fully-cooked turkey in just 80 minutes seems too good to be true. Will we be ordering pizza?

4:39 pm

Success!

4:56 pm

Guests arrive! I am busily attending to the stove & can't 'meet and greet' like I wanted to. Please know that I spent time today praying for you, my guests. I think that is more important than arranging the perfect centerpiece.

5:21 pm

I set out several side dishes and finish up the rest. I had to have Sweet Potato Casserole and Tatiana requested macaroni and cheese.

5:26 pm

I complete my Thanksgiving meal 4 minutes ahead of schedule. I really only spent about 2 1/2 hours cooking. Amazing.

5: 32 pm

My wonderful Husbands says grace. I get choked up. Despite the trials of this last year, we really do have a lot to be thankful for.

6:48 pm

We all ate at the same table. I love that. No 'kiddie table' here. The World's Best Rolls lived up their name. They were soooo yummy. My new simpler recipe for cranberry sauce was even good. I love when something done more simply is just as good as something complicated. We have tidied up, packed up leftovers, and moved into the family room so the kids can play and the adults can relax.

7:11 pm

What's that Sebastian? You don't want Thanksgiving to end? I guess he's too young to understand what I have been telling the kids all day, "Thanksgiving should be everyday". It's not just one day a year; we should strive daily to have thankful hearts.

7:25 pm

The kids are all in their jammies & have an impromptu 'build-your-own-sundae' for dessert.

7:51 pm

Even though she creates a small fuss, I take a picture with Stephanie anyways.

7:52 pm

The Husband (right) and the best man at our wedding (Stephanie's husband).

10:46 pm

The littlest boys are passed out and our guests get ready to leave. I almost thought it was gonna be a sleepover for a minute there! This little fella looks how I feel. Happy First Thanksgiving Davis!

10: 58 pm

I am lying in bed and trying to figure out the funny feeling that I have in my face. It finally occurs to me. My cheeks are sore from smiling and laughing so much. And that, my friends, hasn't happened in a really long time.

11: 06 pm

I drift off to sleep feeling happy that I decided not to cancel Thanksgiving afterall.

The Midnight Oil

photo learningful_rcb

A couple of nights a week, he burns the midnight oil. While the kids and are tucked warmly in our beds, my Hubs is out sweeping commercial parking lots, as a glorified-trash collector, if you will. He picks up trash, cleans up cigarette butts, empties garbage cans, all while trying to stay awake!

This week he was able to pick up a couple extra night shifts and no sooner did he commit to working Wednesday night, did he get a call that there was dump truck work for Thursday morning! We were thrilled at the opportunity, if not a little nervous for how to manage the schedule. After working all night, Hubs slept in his car for a couple hours then began his first day transporting loads of material. {He just got his CDL license a few weeks ago!} At 2:15 pm {just in time for me to race to an OB appointment}, he arrived home tired, dirty, and joyful. Hubs was beaming with satisfaction at a job well done. He never complains about lack of sleep or being tired. Together we have developed a new thankfulness for the blessing of work. I am so proud of his attitude during this season and the fact that he is willing to do any type of work {even 3rd shift trash duty} to take care of his family. I am honored to be his wife!

Thank your husband today for how hard he works or encourage him in his job hunt if that's where you're at. Tell him how much you appreciate that he works to provide for your family!

P.S. Happy First Day of Spring!

Choices

The other day I read an interview with Michael J. Fox in a recent issue of Good Housekeeping Magazine. He shared a lot of his heart and journey regarding his struggle with Parkinson's. He was asked what advice he'd give someone who's dealing with a chronic illness. His advice though, I think can apply to any trying season of life:

I would say to look at the choices you have, as opposed to the choices that have been taken away from you. Because in those choices, there are whole worlds of strength and new ways to look at things.

That just resonated so deeply with me, especially during this season of part-time income for our family. I think a lot of times, we look at difficult things that happen with a sense of loss and perhaps even that some choice has been taken away from us, even if that "choice" was misguided. So, here I am, focusing on the choices I *do* have:

• what to make for dinner each night
• which possessions I'm going to sell next
• to stay-home full-time
• to homeschool
• to continue striving towards being a wife of excellence
• to continue to tithe
• to work wholeheartedly to care for the home He has entrusted me with
  
• to give generously as we can, of what resources we have
• to love my children, train them as He sees fit & have fun with them daily
• to choose my attitude

I choose to live with joy, knowing that although I may be poor by some standards, I have an abundance of riches that money can't buy. I am, in a way, more content than I have been in a long time. I feel His hand over my life in such a real and tangible way. Someone in small group the other evening said that we need to go to work and be responsible because "Christ doesn't pay our bills". I nearly burst out laughing! REALLY?! So since we only make $800/month and our bills are a little over $2000 and they are all current, how would you explain that?! I knew the point this guy was getting at, it's just that....it all comes from Him, whether it's in the form of a paycheck, an unemployment check or a check in the mail. That's what I come away from this season with. He blesses us with work, He blesses us with unemployment, He provides for our needs when neither of those apply. And it's because of Him, that I choose joy.

Beauty, Boy with a Basket & Blessings

How's that for a post title? Guess no one is too interested in Baked Potato Soup, eh? Meh. I guess my feelings are only hurt a little. {*giggle*} Here's a couple snapshots of my day:

:: before ::

:: after ::

Does anyone else cut their own childrens' hair? I am just too frugal to fork over $10-$15 {times each kid} for a kid's hair cut. I really need to get some sort of book or find a website for cutting girls' hair. Suggestions? I think for the first major cut {just trims up until now}, I did not half bad. Sienna got hers cut as well, but it was more of a trim. I nearly freaked out after making Tatiana's first cut, but I know it will grow back. It was just soooo long and straggly looking and very high-maintenance. Hopefully this shorter do will be a little more brush-n-go.

And since this somewhat fits under the beauty category, here was my score at Wal-greens today:

Total OOP: $1.13 for the tax and one candy bar.

I plan to go back to get 2 more free Garnier products, since they were limiting to 2 per day. I *so* want to do the Huggies deal, but unfortunately they only had 2 Gentle Care products instead of the 3 I needed. I was so bummed. I may try a different store later in the week, but think because of the popularity, I may have a hard time succeeding. I'm trying to do more Wal-greens/CVS deals, even if it's just one or two a month, to keep my stockpile going for myself and any other families that may need it. It can kind of be a pain to collect all the coupons & research the deals, but I think of it as my opportunity to possibly bless others. Guess it fits in the blessings category too!

Now for my boy.


That's my handsome son, concentrating hard on putting raisins into a little toy basket. He loves this basket. Go figure. I think because it's just his size & opens and closes. I've been sitting him in the booster seat from time to time, instead of in his high chair and he looks like such a big boy! Kinda makes me sad and happy all at the same time. He got so excited when he saw the camera. What a little ham!

And finally, here's a wonderful blessing that was given to me by a lady in my small group:

It's a basket filled with fancy shampoo, conditioner, Bath & Body Works hand soap, a body loofah, and a bag of chocolates {yum!}. She had won it as a door prize for something & passed it along to me, saying in a lovely card that she knows how hard pregnancy can be and wanted me feel pampered a little! It made me feel so special and like God cares about even the little things, like me.

Hope your week is filled with blessings both big and small alike!

My Cupboard Overfloweth!

The world's best mom showed up for a visit yesterday with nearly 12 bags overflowing with groceries! Since she knows I'm not up for cooking from scratch very often, she filled the freezer with nuke-n-eat things like Kid Cuisine, Lean Cuisine, Hot Pockets, Lean Pockets and frozen pizza. Knowing my bent towards trying to stay healthy, she included Kashi GoLean cereal, Kashi oatmeal, WW Progresso Soup, and lean lunch meat. She treated the kids by buying chips, Cheetos, cookies, pop tarts and more....things I rarely ever buy. I was careful to only put a few "special" items in our cupboards, while the rest of the things went downstairs to my storage shelf, lest my little loveys eat all the goodies in a week or less.

Aren't moms the greatest??

Friends are pretty great too. Besides lots of encouragemnt from my nearest & dearest, I received an awesome gift basket not too long along from an uber-wonderful family. Not only did it have an envelope containing about ten {10!!} various gift cards, but the basket was filled with things I love. Lotsa Trader Joe's stuff. Even some TJ's orange chicken {so yummy & good on POINTS}! I was touched not only by the spirit of giving, but at the thought that went into considering the things I really like. I'm inspired to remember this act of kindness the next time I want to give of myself or give an actual gift.

I did manage to get my "Slim Down Sundays" post up on my other blog. I know. It's already Monday, but I'm doin' the best I can.

More soon...