A Letter

Dear Sorely Neglected Blog,

It's been far too long, hasn't it? On a few rare occasions over the last couple months, I have thought about deleting you, but that would be like throwing out a journal just because it's been awhile since the last entry. I would never do that and I still have journals from 10 years ago to prove it. I guess I've just been busy. Busy making new friends, busy cherishing the old ones, busy living life, busy grieving, busy entertaining, busy homeschooling, busy crafting, busy with a little Etsy shop, busy building things, busy decorating. Just. Plain. Busy. And then after so much time passes, I wonder where to even begin. Just pick up where I left off? Jump head-first into the details of my latest project? Tell of all the ways God has shown up in the last few months?

We have celebrated each day that the Husband has had his full-time job and this Thursday will be his 4-month-iversary. We are thankful. Although, I'd be lying if I didn't admit to carrying around a lump of uncertainty in my heart. When bad news has stricken so many times, it leaves one feeling jumpy. I have been relishing the security that a regular paycheck provides and continually reaffirm in my heart that 'it all comes from Him anyways'.

We celebrated 12 years of marriage back in October and decided to forego an anniversary getaway in lieu of decorating our master bedroom. I say 'decorating', as opposed to REdecorating, on purpose. One would have to have had something already decorated in order to redecorate it. With these last several lean years, cans of paint and curtains have been the last thing on our purchasing list. Heck, they haven't even been on the list. But I think God is slowly fanning the flame within me to make my home more of a haven, to use my creative skills to feather my nest, and to really think & plan out how I can make this house a softer place to land. I can't wait to tell you all about the big bedroom projects that the Husband and I undertook together.

My only son turned 3 yesterday and it leaves me feeling bittersweet. I clung to his babyhood so fiercely because of Olivia's death. In God's mercy, Sebastian was still young enough for snuggles, rocking chair lullabies, walks in the stroller, and cries of "Mama". But there is no denying that his baby days are long gone, only to be replaced by a young boy who is smarter than his years, who thinks in paragraphs but talks in fragmented sentences, who is witty but shy, who is crazy about Spiderman/Iron Man/Superman, who loves the measuring tape, who hates baths and still suffers from eczema, and whose favorite song is "Jesus Loves Me", which he refers to as " 's I know".

This time of the year will always leave me missing Olivia more than the other seasons. I discovered I was pregnant just two days before Thanksgiving and the holidays make me think about family more often. We do lots of things as a family, have our family picture taken, hang up the stockings for our family, get together and celebrate with family, and yet, although some 19 months have nearly passed, I am keenly aware that our "whole" family will never be together on this earth. She will always be missing, until the day when everything will be made right. The girls desparately want Olivia to have a stocking to hang up with the others and I'm supposing I will have to get to making one. The rest were hand-made by me and I really should make one to match. I'm thinking only a tiny stocking will do, but my heart needs to brace itself just a bit more before I undertake it. I pray that before Christmas day I will be able to add that little reminder to our holiday decor.

I hope this letter finds you well, dear blog, and all my friendly readers too.

Until I write again,

Reasons

Why I Neglect My Blog

1. Because I don't feel like I have anything exciting to say.

2. Because I wonder if you tire of hearing about my journey through grief.

3. Because sometimes I just need a break from the online world.

4. Because I am inundated with frantically sewing my Christmas gifts, along with attending multiple family gatherings.

5. Because I feel like sometimes I'm a kill-joy.

6. Because I can't decide if I should post about cooking or sewing.

7. Because, do you really need to read another Merry Christmas/Happy New Year post? Seriously.

8. Because not posting is better than a post titled "UNhappy New Year".

9. Because I'm busy thinking about my goals for 2010 and don't want to post until I have them all figured out.

10. Because I'm too content to be reading good books, drinking amazing homemade Chai, playing with the kids, joking with the husband, preparing to attend a smashing wedding, and endlessly planning my next craft project.

The Ugly

As in, the trio, along with the good and the bad. I know I've been MIA. And now you'll know why. Since the ground beneath me keeps threatening to open up and swallow me whole, I didn't really think you'd want to hear about it. I don't want pity, but judging from some of the kind emails I've been getting {sorry about not responding to those!} I figured that ya'll still care about little 'ole me.

The Vehicles
They have all broken down. On the same day. To pretty much un-driveable status. One has been repaired and cost more to fix than my mortgage payment. The other one, well, it's turned into a three-ring-circus. We thought it was fixed. Then it wasn't. Then it was. Now, it isn't. Catch all that? It is still at the repair shop awaiting some details to be worked out. I guess one working vehicle is better than none. My lawnmower broke last week as well. That was the back-up lawnmower. The first one hasn't been working for some time now. I might really have to buy that goat I've been thinking about.

The Loo
That's bathroom, in case you aren't familiar with UK-speak. It flooded last week. You know that little hole in the sink that's supposed to drain out the excess water if you fill the sink too much? Well, apparently mine doesn't work. A small child brushed their teeth, left the water running a bit, turned off the light and closed the door. Thankfully I was staying up late, but didn't realize the situation until several hours later, after the whole floor, cabinet and drawers underneath, and most of the hallway outside the bathroom door were converted into our own personal indoor pool. I've always wanted one of those. Just not this poor man's version.

The Job
There isn't one. Again. The owner of the dump truck Hubs was driving decided to sell it. I can either consider it depressing or encouraging that I didn't even really cry over this or barely even panic. My honest thoughts were, "Great. Here we go again." I guess when you've been through what I've been through the last few months, being unemployed {with no unemployment check} doesn't seem so daunting. HE has sustained us for the last six months, has carried us through losing our daughter, and I'm sure HE will still be here for wherever this road goes. I am honestly so sick & tired of this specific roller coaster. It is just beyond frustrating.

The Vacay
So considering all that, we did what any already grieving people should do...we took a vacation. That probably sounds totally ridiculous, but it was just what we needed. Not financially, mind you, but spiritually and emotionally. I didn't think I would actually enjoy myself, but there were several times when I was startled by the sound of my own laughter. That hasn't happened in a long time. The kids were in good hands, the scenery was wonderful, the quality time with my husband was even better. We talked. I cried. We gained perspective. We came home ready to face the world again.

So there you have it. Some of the time I am trying not to focus on what I am actually having to walk through. Some of the time I either want to laugh hysterically or cry uncontrollably. Typing all that out just now, it seems like my life is more like the plot to some sordid comedy movie, where a poor bloke who's totally down on his luck ends up seeing his fortune totally reversed. Well, that's what I'm praying for myself anyways {Ps. 126}.

If you've made it this far through my post, you must really love me :>)

Work in Progress

Huh? Where am I? Did I end up at the right blog?

Don't worry -- I just decided to redecorate. How're things looking? Everything showing up properly? After staying up waaaaay too late, I had to just quit where I was at & decide to call it a 'work in progress'.


Just like me.




P.S. Yep. I designed everything myself...custom background, header, new fonts and buttons for the sidebar. Everything. It was great therapy, actually.

****UPDATE****: See my comment in the comments section for more details on my new design!

Why share?

Me again. But then, who did you expect?

I need to follow-up on my post the other day, but really wanted to make sure that my words didn't just get lost in the comments section. I want ya'll to know that I realize some of my thoughts are irrational. That they don't make sense. That they probably, at times, go against what my God has told or promised me. That sometimes those thoughts are in total conflict with each other. That sometimes I just plain don't know what to think or how to feel. And I'm so grateful that the collective 'You' are there to point me back to His word, just hear me out, or share your own story.

Most of the time our blogs are like better versions of our selves. They are our best foot forward. Kinda like a first date. Or a re-touched glossy magazine cover. We try to leave a good impression and, maybe for some people, a different impression of who we really are. I've always tried to keep it pretty real around here, yet for a girl who's used to writing about new recipes or craft ideas, some of these posts are just down-right scary to publish. Even with many of my earlier thoughts on Olivia's diagnosis, her death, the grief, I've kept it........nicer. No need to make anyone squirm at their computer desk. But recently, two things have happened: I've run out of energy to make my posts nice and pretty, just to make sure no one is uncomfortable reading them, and secondly, I don't think God wants me to.

Letting you in close enough to watch me try to make sense of it all or give you a glimpse of my aching heart is....well...it isn't easy. It probably seems like a radical change from happy-go-lucky-suburban-homeschooling-mom to grief-stricken-brokenhearted-wrestling-with-God-mom. {Although much has changed, much of me has stayed the same & a lot of what has changed has done so for the better.} And even though some of what I write might seem totally foreign to you, I want to be transparent anyways. So that you have a glimpse into what I'm going through, if you're not familiar with this side of grief, in order to comfort someone else. So that if you are in that sad, painful place, you'll know you're not alone. That I am there. That He is there.

Judging from some of the more personal comments and private emails, I know this is how He wants me to continue. {For the record, it's not that I'm convinced that I am to blame. Just sharing that part of my process.} The journey isn't over. And so I'll continue to share it. Because even from that very first moment in the ultrasound room, I knew.


He chose me for this.



HE chose ME for THIS.




And I still believe it.

Without Fanfare

I figured this day would come eventually, just maybe not so soon. At the beginning of August, several events in my life all sort of lined up to propel me into making some healthy life changes. {Erin, your success has always inspired me!}

I decided to start a chronicle of it here.

I told myself that once people started noticing my efforts, that I would make an official announcement on this blog. It will be hard to hide it much longer, so I'll just let it my other blog speak for itself. Hope you can stop by soon for a visit!

Weekend Wrap-Up

The Party.....
The highlight of the weekend was a family party for my not-quite-yet-7-year-old. In an effort to keep things frugal, we served only cake & ice cream with some beverages. I can honestly say that this was the first party that I did not serve "food" of any kind. It was a suprisingly nice change. I did however put the extra effort into making a homemade cake. The birthday girl requested a wedding cake style, so I made a two-tiered cake with pink polka dots. I used the chocolate recipe here, which was divine! The frosting recipe was a little finicky, but I made it work out. I made homemade vanilla ice cream as well. More on "the big gift" in a future post.

:: mini photo shoot ::

:: presents! ::

:: the cake ::

In Other News.....
I discovered two really wonderful blogs this weekend, so spent some time reading. Make & Takes is a blog devoted to crafty fun ideas for the home & family. It is written by a former Kindergarten teacher & chockful of creative goodness. How cute are the little feather duster puppets?? To the second blog I discovered I say, "SimpleMom, where have you been all my life????" I love the blog design, all the inspiring articles bookmarked along the side, and the truly simple & creative ideas for making the beloved job of homemaking & managing all the more enjoyable. {Be sure not to miss the Home Management Notebooks articles. Great reads, whether you don't have one yet or your old one needs revamping.} She is also doing a giveaway of the book Creative Family by Amanda Soule {I've been eyeing this one for awhile now}! So be sure to stop by & follow the instructions to leave a comment :>)

Dear Blog...

....it's not that I don't care about you. I do. If I didn't, I wouldn't have spent all that time and creative energy to give you a little facelift. Maybe after writing that last post, my internet love/hate relationship just swung a little bit the wrong way. I have just been busy doing other things. Like family stuff. Sewing. Researching for something super top-secret. Traveling to Chicago for massage therapy. Trying to exercise. Writhing in pain from my latest affliction. Enjoying not having to homeschool. Things other than blogging. I hope that maybe we can catch up soon. I just wanted you to know that I haven't abandoned you. I am just loving other parts of my life way too much! And whoever is {still} reading, I hope you are lovin' life too.

Good Reads

Here are some of the blogs I've recently stumbled upon that you might find to be "good reads":

Home Sanctuary ~ I *love* this blog. It fits right in with the vision I have for my home. I want this abode to be a sanctuary where people feel warm & welcome.

Blissfully Domestic ~ In case you haven't figured it out by now, I'm a renaissance woman, ya'll. I'm all about being domestic.

The Gentle Art of Ruling Your Husband ~ I'm not too down with the name {specifically the term "ruling"}, but there seems to be lots of good practical stuff here, with plenty of marriage humor to keep you chuckling. Take what you find useful & don't mind the rest. Just don't go throwing the baby out with the bath water.

Let me know if you find something particularly interesting!

Aw, Shucks

I have been feeling really blessed by all my friends this week, who rallied around me for various reasons, including turning 30 and hubster losing his job last Friday {more on that to come}. Old friends, new friends, small group friends, internet friends. I have really been striving to be a better friend myself, so I'm feeling very loved in return. Thanks guys! Seriously. I also was surprised to learn that Jeanette has nominated me as her blogger of the month. Aw, shucks. *blush* I am glad that I could use this venue to offer some inspiration and helpful ideas, whether it be for crafts or for domestic engineering or womanhood in general. Thanks for the nomination!

Have you been blessed by a friend this week?

Happy 200th Post...well sorta

Well, I didn't realize that blogger adds up the "drafts" of posts that you start, but don't publish, so technically this is about post 198, but I figured, enough with the suspense already. I also didn't realize, when I first began, that I would enjoy blogging as much as I do. I originally created this with the intent to post cheesy family photos & keep my loved ones updated on the ongoings of our life. I still try to do this, but it seems like blogs sometimes take on lives of their own. I've made some really opinionated posts, some informative ones, and {hopefully} some inspiring ones as well. At this juncture I hope that my blog serves to help me achieve one of my life's missions: to encourage other moms/women to be Godly, creative homemakers and to share in my pursuit of the same thing. Thank you to all {guys too!} who enjoy this journey with me, whether you were here from the beginning or have just joined us. I created this little duo to give away to express my appreciation:

::Patchwork NotePad Holder & Patchwork Tissue Holder::

::Inside of the NotePad Holder::

::Cute Girly Tissues::

Simply leave a comment by midnight on Saturday, January 5th, and I will pick a winner at random. Good luck & God bless!!

Not radically different....

....but just a little....pinker! I like all the slips of paper in the new header & my little pink notes that are stapled or tacked up along the sidebar. I'm lovin' the little pink bullets next to the sidebar links. I tried forever to add a background image behind the posts, but to no avail. If I don't stop fuddling now, I may never make any changes at all. Hope you like it ;>)

A New Look...

I am in the process of making a couple changes to the look of my blog, which is why I haven't posted in several days. I am so thankful for all my new {and old} readers alike and because of that I want to make this blog a happy, enjoyable place to visit. I consider my blog an extension of my home. If you were coming over for tea or lunch, I would make sure that everything is in order & not only that, but would try and add some beautiful touches, be it with food or otherwise, to make your visit more pleasurable. I want to do the same here. I will be deleting some old links or blogs I no longer visit & adding some of my new favorites. {The baby is bouncing around so much at the moment, it is actually making it difficult to focus on typing!} I hope in a day or two I can put the finishing touches on my new look. It kinda feels like getting a haircut, ya know? Thank you for continuing {or beginning} to share in life's adventures with me. Now back to the sprucing up.....