Sunday, April 26, 2009

Shock & Awe

It's me. The real me, not the husband that hijacked my blog. wink It's hard to even know where to begin, or where to pick up our story. I feel like each day that has gone by, besides feeling like 3 days each, has been filled with a novel's worth of stories I could share. So, I'll try and give you some snapshots, in terms of shock and awe, of what life has been like for me.

I'm in awe of the immense outpouring of love and support for us. All these people really care about little 'ole me? I have felt like your prayers, visits, and kind words have been lifting me up to keep putting one foot in front of the other. {The yummy food ya'll have delivered hasn't hurt any either!} Your tears are so tender to me, as well, as if somehow those are less tears that I have to cry myself. Please don't be afraid to call, email, visit. I might not answer your call or respond to your email, but know that I am reading or hearing every word. Don't worry about saying the wrong thing or about even knowing what to say. I realize the enormity of the situation and that we all, friends and family included, may be confused, grieving, scared and sad.

I'm obviously shocked at the news itself. I am only able to live moment to moment. Some moments are filled with the deepest darkest despair and the most intense pain that I have ever known. At times it feels so crushing that I don't know how I will even survive. At other moments, I have a sense of peace and calm that I really believe only Jesus can provide. There are moments of confusion and questioning and other times when His truth is evident and the answers seem very clear. I have had times of incredible strength, which the Lord has graciously bestowed upon me, to do or say things that no mother should ever have to. I want you to be comforted in knowing that my heart has not been all gloom and doom. I
have smiled. I have laughed. I am getting out of bed every day. Most of my time, though, is filled with quiet thoughtfulness.

I'm in awe that God orchestrated for Rick to be with me last Monday at my ultrasound. My mom was babysitting my other kids, so we figured if Hubs had to work then I would just go to the hospital by myself. I've been to many other ultrasounds without Rick & figured that this one wouldn't be any different. Can you imagine me sitting there by myself? I shudder at the thought.

I am shocked that earlier ultrasounds didn't pick up ANY of Olivia's imperfections. Seriously. A routine ultrasound didn't pick up a potentially serious heart defect?? They couldn't detect an abnormality in her brain? No one noticed her constantly clenched fists or cleft lip & palate? What then DO these routine ultrasounds pick-up on? This is more scary & worrisome to me than anything! If it were not for the fact of Olivia's delayed growth {she's only half the size of a typical baby at this gestation}, we would NOT have gone for any additional ultrasounds. Even through the devastating news, Rick & I are thankful beyond words that we found out this news
now. We both can not even imagine what things could have been like, to go through the entire pregnancy or however long we will go through, believing that everything is alright, painting a nursery, purchasing baby items, our other daughters' excitement mounting, only to find out at the very end the news that we now are aware of.

I'm in awe of my husband. I don't know what I have done to deserve such a wonderful guy. He is so far out of his comfort zone in what he has had to deal with, I don't even think he speaks the language of whatever zone he's in. He is having to help bear such an incredible burden and has done so well to be strong. There is no measure of gratitude that could show how thankful I am for him. He mans the phone. He plans. He protects. He comforts. He blogs {well...tries to}. wink He is amazing! I know this is an unashamedly forward request, but I'm sure he could really use some "husband" support right now. We girlfriends do the talking, crying, hugging, sharing our feelings thing, but I'm sure a few words from other husbands out there couldn't hurt. Maybe even a movie or a bike ride or bowling would help. Rick can be emailed at rickrios009 [at] hotmail [dot] com.

I will leave you with one last thought.....
My pastor's wife asked me this morning what my overall thought has been about everything. My answer came easily. It is the one thought/feeling that has been there since the beginning, even amidst the horror and tears and soul-screaming in that ultrasound room: God chose us for this. There are many things I might not understand, but I know that this passed through His hands first, that HE is not surprised, that it is part of the unique plan that HE has for my husband and I and our families and friends. And that, the fact that He chose us for this, brings me at least some measure of comfort.

Be blessed.


Erin said...

praying and will continue to pray. And...I will try to keep the GPS to a dull roar.

Stephanie said...

I thought Rick did a great job! But...I missed you.

How God planned it all out and tha Rick was able to go with you on Monday is totally - HIM.

We are still praying. often!

Andrea said...

Still praying every time we think about it! Your post was beautifully written and heartfelt! Thanks again for sharing your life in a real and honest way!

Anonymous said...

Still praying. I agree with Stephie, Rick did a great job but I too missed you.

Anonymous said...

I just found you through the April Rose blog. I heart breaks for you because I've been through something very similar, and know how difficult it is to make sense of all of the grim medical stuff while trusting in God. I lost my daughter 2 years ago to a rare chromosome disorder, combined with many other conditions that the doctors said were "incompatible with life." My husband and I struggled to make the right decision for us, and for our little girl. After much praying, we decided to induce labor. I'm praying you feel peace with your decision. And know that you were chosen to experience this, and you will forever be changed from it. I've learned to be fully alive in each and every one of life's momoents; to never take any of life's joys for granted. Feel free to email me if you feel up to it. ytsimgirl at aol dot com