Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Heart Failure

As Olivia gently kicks around while I type this, I believe I might just have heart failure. Not the literal sort, lest you be worried. Heart failure for a reason that I wonder if anyone else can understand:

I am afraid to love her.

I just know that the more I do, the more my heart will break into a million pieces if/when she is taken from me. I am afraid to hold my belly, hoping to feel her moving within, knowing that every kick, every movement only joins my heart a little more with hers. There are times when I am scared to say her name, as every time I do she is that much more a part of our family and lives.

And yet, all the fear aside, I just can't help it. There is nothing anyone can do to keep me from loving my sweet, precious Olivia. Even though it makes no earthly sense to continue to love on, think of, care about, passionately pray for someone who it seems will be gone from me far too soon, I press forward. I am her mama and she is my daughter and there is no medical diagnosis this world can offer up that will ever change that.

Even with my pending heart failure, I am comforted by this verse:

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Ps. 73:25-26

Oh Lord, please strengthen my failing heart. I thank you for the privilege of loving Olivia.


Andrea said...

Thanks for writing this post! I too experience heart failure sometimes. I think because I lost so many people in a short span in my young life...sometimes I am so afraid of loving Joe more deeply, more intimately because I'm afraid he might die and my heart will be broken. A little nutty, I know because there's nothing wrong with him. My heart just wants to protect itself sometimes and push away from loving him.

But I just can't help it...God keeps drawing us closer and closer together until I can't even tell where he stops and I begin. It's scary for me sometimes but I take heart in remembering it will only be a temporary separation and while it is right to grieve the loss, I won't have to grieve with no hope. Your words this morning encouraged me to keep letting my heart stretch wide and deep!

Still praying for your family all the time! I can't really imagine what you are going through.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing your innermost thoughts with us. After we spoke yesterday and spent some time with eachother, as you were leaving my home I was amazed at how amazing you are. YOU are strengthing ME Beck and I know that sounds loopy but you are in more ways than I can even tell you. I hurt for you but at the same time am totally amazed at you!!!!!!

Peaceful Chaoz said...

Love you! Praying for you! Love you!

Erin said...

Thank you for your honesty. When I was pregnant with Kendell I didn't want to accept it. All I thought of was getting Kara to 28 weeks and not wanting to steal any amount of attention from the miracle that she was carrying. I now regret not bonding with Kendell and I am only telling you this to encourage you. It's ok. She is alive in you and is no more gone than any other baby who is tucked inside their mothers womb.

A wise woman once told me the greatest bit of advice I had ever heard when I was pregnant after her loss...she said "cherish what you have" and although we don't know the circumstances that will surround your sweet Olivia's arrival or the miracle that God may choose to unfold, I still offer you the same advice, cherish her. She is yours and God gave her to you.

((hugs)) and no GPS for tonight :)

chadandnikki said...

I understand completely what you are going through. I was linked to you through Erin. We learned today that our daughter, Johanna, has Trisomy 18. I don't understand why God has given us this path, but one day we will. I am only 13 weeks, so I'm not feeling her move just yet like you do, but I understand the conflicted emotions.

I am praying for you and your family. It's hard as a mom to know there is nothing you can do to protect your child and keep them safe. God loves us though, and even when we don't understand He is still sovereign.

lilly11 said...

Please know that you are thought of, loved, and prayed for everyday.....multiple times a day!

Anonymous said...

The lyrics from one of my favorite worship songs comes to mind. Although the song was written amidst much controversy. Everyone thought writer Mike Guglielmucci was dying from cancer, and later he confessed he was addicted to porn. He wrote this song though, because he was truly searching for healing from God. So many people were hurt by this, but the power of the song still stands, and I believe that when we call out to God, He hears us.



You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease


I trust in You
I trust in You


I believe You're my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my Portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need

[Repeat Verse]

[Repeat Pre-Chorus}



Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands



I am praying for you, and baby Olivia - what a beautiful name.

Kara said...

Heart failure is the perfect phrasing for a mommy who is enduring your pain. I always say that a piece of my heart has been taken to heaven with each of our children that are now with Jesus. I believe that remembering and loving every time she kicks you will only bring more warm memories for the future. I never got to feel Moriah kick but her ultrasounds are vivid memories I will always hold dear to my heart. Tears for you and sweet Olivia cannot stop pouring down my face.

Amber said...

What an amazing testimony of faith! I pray for God's mercies and His peace to be new every morning. I'm so sorry for your loss.