One Month Ago...

One month ago today, I awoke to a seemingly normal day. Showered. Got dressed. Had breakfast. The usual. My mom arrived late morning to care for our munchkins & Hubs and I headed off to our level II ultrasound appointment. I remember the weather being unseasonably nice. We stopped at Panera and grabbed some lunch, eating in the car as we drove along. I got us lost {I thought I remembered the directions.....} and we arrived at the hospital a few minutes late. We didn't wait too long before being ushered into the ultrasound room. We got to see our beloved Olivia on the BIG flat-panel screen, which Hubs was quite impressed with. They were short staffed, so the tech left and returned several times, trying to get the doctor to come and discuss our results. I remember Hubs saying, "You're not worried, are you?" I did feel a little silly for maybe being too concerned about something that could turn out to be nothing. And then the doctor came in. Rick remembers him saying, "Has anyone talked to you about anatomy?" As he scanned, the doctor typed all sorts of terms on the screen: Dandy Walker. VSD. Left cleft lip/palate. Most of what he said next was a blur, but I remember how he began.

There's a lot going on here.

And that's the moment when I felt like my whole world came crashing down around me. All I could do was scream, alternating between "NO" and "GOD". Unless you've experienced it, I'm not sure I could describe it. It's as if that noise was coming from somewhere down deep in my soul and I just. couldn't. stop. My dear husband, bless his heart, did the best he could. He cried. He held me fiercely. I remember him telling my mom on the phone, "Just pray. It's really bad." I remember that I couldn't bring myself to look him in the eyes. To this day, I still don't know why. Maybe if I could avoid the pain and fear in his gaze that I knew was there, I could convince myself that things weren't so terrible.

No amount of convincing, though, could change the path that our lives had so suddenly careened upon. Trisomy 18 had entered our lives and would change them all forever. And as I sit here, exactly one month later, only 4 weeks between diagnosis and Olivia's death, I'm still shaking my head at the.....suddenness of it all. What happened to my old life? Did it really change in the blink of an eye? Is life truly that fragile?

Since many of you tell me, "Let me know if there's anything I can do....", I think today I will take you up on that offer. Here's what you can do for me: Hug your babies extra tight. Be a little more patient with everyone. Let the dishes soak a little longer and go play in the grass. Give your husband that extra dose of grace that you may not think he deserves, but so desperately needs. Call that friend that you've been estranged from and make things right.

And then, come back and tell me about it. If you don't want to tell me specifics, feel free to simply write: I celebrated life today. It'll give me blessings to focus on, instead of thinking about where I was one month ago. And I think you might just get blessed in the process as well.

Holding On,