Wednesday, May 20, 2009

One Month Ago...

One month ago today, I awoke to a seemingly normal day. Showered. Got dressed. Had breakfast. The usual. My mom arrived late morning to care for our munchkins & Hubs and I headed off to our level II ultrasound appointment. I remember the weather being unseasonably nice. We stopped at Panera and grabbed some lunch, eating in the car as we drove along. I got us lost {I thought I remembered the directions.....} and we arrived at the hospital a few minutes late. We didn't wait too long before being ushered into the ultrasound room. We got to see our beloved Olivia on the BIG flat-panel screen, which Hubs was quite impressed with. They were short staffed, so the tech left and returned several times, trying to get the doctor to come and discuss our results. I remember Hubs saying, "You're not worried, are you?" I did feel a little silly for maybe being too concerned about something that could turn out to be nothing. And then the doctor came in. Rick remembers him saying, "Has anyone talked to you about anatomy?" As he scanned, the doctor typed all sorts of terms on the screen: Dandy Walker. VSD. Left cleft lip/palate. Most of what he said next was a blur, but I remember how he began.

There's a lot going on here.

And that's the moment when I felt like my whole world came crashing down around me. All I could do was scream, alternating between "NO" and "GOD". Unless you've experienced it, I'm not sure I could describe it. It's as if that noise was coming from somewhere down deep in my soul and I just. couldn't. stop. My dear husband, bless his heart, did the best he could. He cried. He held me fiercely. I remember him telling my mom on the phone, "Just pray. It's really bad." I remember that I couldn't bring myself to look him in the eyes. To this day, I still don't know why. Maybe if I could avoid the pain and fear in his gaze that I knew was there, I could convince myself that things weren't so terrible.

No amount of convincing, though, could change the path that our lives had so suddenly careened upon. Trisomy 18 had entered our lives and would change them all forever. And as I sit here, exactly one month later, only 4 weeks between diagnosis and Olivia's death, I'm still shaking my head at the.....suddenness of it all. What happened to my old life? Did it really change in the blink of an eye? Is life truly that fragile?

Since many of you tell me, "Let me know if there's anything I can do....", I think today I will take you up on that offer. Here's what you can do for me: Hug your babies extra tight. Be a little more patient with everyone. Let the dishes soak a little longer and go play in the grass. Give your husband that extra dose of grace that you may not think he deserves, but so desperately needs. Call that friend that you've been estranged from and make things right.

And then, come back and tell me about it. If you don't want to tell me specifics, feel free to simply write: I celebrated life today. It'll give me blessings to focus on, instead of thinking about where I was one month ago. And I think you might just get blessed in the process as well.

Holding On,

12 comments:

Anna said...

Thank you for turning around my day...you just scared off my bad attitude. Off to celebrate life! Luv u!

chadandnikki said...

Thank you!!

Joan Carr said...

I was reminded yesterday from your link to Molly Piper of how we need to be more sensitive and caring to others hurting. A very good post. I enjoyed reading it and it reminded me of some things I needed to hear.

Several years ago, I went through severe depression for about 5 years and there were many times that noone outside of my immediate family cared.I had many days I wish someone had come along and cared for me,after meds got it under control and now have mended I told myself I would care differently for others. Getting busy with life and church work I had gotten slack on this and the Lord had begin dealing with me on this a couple of weeks ago, so that post just reminded me of some different ways to care for others.

I hope you are having a day remembering your precious Olivia. Still praying God will help you today and every day as your lives have been changed by her.God is Faithful.

Anonymous said...

I praised God for Rick's driving the truck. I thanked Him for holding me up and wrapping his arms around me. I thanked Him for reminding me of His sovereign will and for His mercy. I thanked Him for His grace that is there when I get to that moment. I am blessed with family & friends who reel me in and remind me of God's love. I smile when I think of my grandchildren and look at their pictures on my desktop and my desk at work. I am truly blessed. Praying & hugging you & Olivia.

love, mom

Ebe said...

Becki, I just wanted to tell you how much I am grieving with you today. Yes, how quickly things can change. I remember that awful sound too...


This afternoon, I am reading a book, lounging on my sweet Ikea lounge chair and drinking a really good cup of coffee...and today, I am thankful for friends like you, who understand this deep pain (even though I would have never wished it or wanted it for you). I am thankful to the Lord for great community.

Email me if you feel like you need to get anything off your chest (a good vent is a great thing).
ebe.mnly@gmail.com

love and prayers,
ebe

Monica said...

It is amazing how quickly your whole life can change. Trisomy comes into your life and is gone so quickly, but is never truly gone. I have been there and I am so sorry you are going through this now. Tonight it is just me and the kids and it is a beautiful day. I will be playing and praying while out there enjoying what God has given me.

Peaceful Chaoz said...

I will post my celebration of life tonight. Love ya!

Erin said...

Thinking of you, Rick, and your family tonight as I celebrate mine. Thank you for the reminder :)

Anna said...

Spent most of the day with great friends and good coffee, in the presence of the Lord. Doesn't get much better than that.

Held my precious boy tight and thanked God for him, in complete awe of how truly miraculous life is...

Stephanie said...

We celebrated life!

Lisa said...

I had a very similar experience to yours 4 years ago. You are so right, it changes your life so quickly and forever. I celebrate my life and my precious gifts that are my children daily, and am grateful for the time that I did have with my son, even as short as it was.

Take care of yourself.

Lisa

ak_sapphire said...

it sounds like what we've lived over the last few months has been very different yet so very similar. and you're right, our worlds will never be the same.

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