Friday, May 15, 2009

Bittersweet

**one of my last pregnancy pictures taken the morning we left for the hospital**





Everything is so mixed up right now, I don't even know what to say. I feel such overwhelming gratitude to everyone for all your prayers.
Really. In my entire life, I have never felt such love and care or sense of "community", for lack of a better word, as I do now. I kinda feel like I owe it to ya'll to at least say something. So this is my feeble attempt at (yet another) update.

I realize you might be wondering, but I'll have to be brief about this part. The delivery was....
traumatic. I just can't think of a more appropriate word to use. It was...uh...very different from a "normal" delivery. There definitely was God's grace in certain respects {relatively painless comparatively & I praise Him for that}, but in other respects, I couldn't find Him there. The details of what happened are perhaps things that no one ever talks about. Things that even "they" don't want to tell you, so that you won't be freaked out beyond belief. I wish I were more prepared. Then again, I don't even know that there is any amount of preparation that could cover a delivery like what I experienced. I really need prayer that I will actually forget certain things. Please pray that God has mercy on my memories.

As for this moment, we are home now. It is quiet here & I am resting. Other than a backache, which I am going to care for shortly, I am not in any physical pain. We have plenty of food, as we went on huge grocery run on Monday {God must've known I needed to stock up}. Thanks to several angels, our house is clean. I mean, white-glove clean. I don't know what I've done to deserve such amazing friends.


We are preparing for a private burial tomorrow, which I know will be bittersweet. This might not make sense to some of you, but I am mostly feeling a sense of relief. Just relief that this leg of our journey is over, even if I did not end as I so fervently prayed that it would. I can not accurately describe the emotional agony that we had experienced over the last several weeks, so to have that specific chapter come to an end is just....
relieving. It has been replaced with a sadness and pain that is altogether different. But like I keep telling others, I am just grieving for myself and my family and what we have lost, not actually for Olivia, if you can gather that.

As I was being wheeled through the hospital to leave, I was crying to myself that I am leaving this place without being able to bring Olivia home. And in that moment I distinctly felt Him say...



...She already is
.


Thanking Him for all of You~

15 comments:

Erin said...

I struggle with words to type, but didn't want to read without commenting.

I thank you for being real about everything that you are feeling but wish that you didn't feel the way that you are. And I wish that you were able to bring a healthy baby Olivia home with you.

But then again, I rejoice in the faith that we have. Knowing that Olivia is home and healthy with Jesus is...beyond words.

Praying for you, thinking of you and yours, and praising God for his plan even though it looks foggy sometimes.

((hugs)) from the un-hugable.

Erin

Nicoolmama said...

You are in my thoughts. I have no other words.

Laurie in Ca. said...

Becki,

You have my heart and my prayers. I can understand your relief of the unknown that you were facing. I am asking God right now to heal your memories sweetie, and replace them with peace and comfort. Praying for the new journey you are walking, asking Him to hold you up and carry you through gently. As gently as He carried Olivia home to Him. I am so sorry.

Love and Hugs, Laurie

Beth said...

Becki,

Thank you for allowing us all to read about and be a part of your journey. Thank you for sharing so openly.

My heart breaks for you and Rick. I cannot even imagine. I am praying that the traumatic memories will fade. Most of all, I pray that you guys will be comforted now and God will begin to heal. I am rejoicing that Olivia is Home and whole, even though that has left you with an incredible void that I pray that God will fill. Praying for you.

annifranni said...

Still today, my prayers are for you.

Thank you for sharing so we know how to pray for you.

chadandnikki said...

Thanks so much for being honest and open about what you are facing. As someone facing the same thing, your blog has really helped me.

My tears can't change a thing for you, but I shed them anyway today for you.

Thank you for being a part of my life.

Joan Carr said...

You have been in my prayers and thoughts the last couple of days.My heartaches for you. I wish I had words to comfort you and your family, but sometimes its best to say noting at all. But I am praying that God will go with you where man can't go and that you fill his presence in a real and mighty way like you have before.

Anonymous said...

Dear Becki,
I am Saralyn's mother (her blog is theplacebeneath). She sent me a link to your heartbreaking news about Olivia. I, too, have lost children, twin boys delivered at 8 months, who were stillborn about 40 years ago. We had no idea there was anything wrong, let alone that I was carrying twins, until that bleak December morning when I was wheeled to X-ray after being admitted because I was in mild labor and spotting. After the X-ray, the doctor told us our babies were dead. When the doctor gave us the news, my husband and I sat and cried with our arms wrapped around each other. Five hours later, after going through a "normal" labor my babies were delivered, weighing 4 pounds a piece. To this day we have no idea what happened to cause this. In the beginning, I was riddled with guilt as to something I did or didn't do. Yet God's grace was/is sufficient and right now that's all we need to know. Forty years later, your story still bring tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat as I remember those sad times. We didn't have the luxury/curse of modern technology and maybe that's better. I, too, look forward to the day when I will see my boys in heaven. My heart and prayers go out to you.
Jayne Caldwell

Stephanie said...

Still praying

Kara said...

Even though the road of grief is long, maybe I should say eternal, you are doing so many healthy things on your journey. I am amazed at the peace you have already in Olivia being home. It took me months to feel peace, I was just to angry. It is so evident that God is carrying you through. I am so sorry about the trauma of her birth. I pray that you can keep the memories that bring smiles and forget all others.
I was telling Carter about his sister in heaven a few days ago. He told me in his cute 2 year old voice, "Moriah run with Jesus." I didn't say anything about running. Ever since yesterday I picture Olivia running with Jesus. I am still praying for all of you!

stephanie said...

I simply cannot imagine what this has been like for you both.I have no words of comfort, what could I possibly say. But from the way you write it is obvious God is close to you,now. He will take care of you, and I will keep you in my prayers

Monica said...

I am praying.

Shawna - Round Rock, Texas said...

My heart breaks for you and I am so sorry for all that you are going through. May God help you find peace and help heal your broken heart.

Anonymous said...

Bec, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I know there isn't anything I can say or do that will make you feel better.

But, please keep in mind, that we love you and support you and your family.

If you need anything from us, please call. Really.

Love you and call when you want to talk.

Skyra

Anonymous said...

Becki,
I too thank you for sharing your journey. I truly am amazed at you, like Kara I was angry it was very hard for me to come to terms with what had happened. Two different paths like I keep saying, I am continuing to pray for you and Rick and the kiddos, I will add to my list the positive memories, and to help you to forget the traumatic ones.
Praying
Jori