Holding on to Hope...

...is the title of a book sent to me by my wonderful blogging friend Saralyn. Subtitled, A Pathway through Suffering to the Heart of God, the author's words are both amazing, encouraging, and soul-piercing all at the same time. I cry every time I pick it up. It reminds me of exercise in a way: I really don't *want* to do it, but I know it's good for me & I'll feel better after I do. Yesterday, my mom was here babysitting & when we returned she said, "I picked up that book and started reading it. How does she know exactly what I'm feeling?" Drawing on her own personal journey through painful {infant} loss, the chapters are short, but cut straight to His truth, based on the book of Job. I'm sure this won't be the last time I share about how God is changing me through what I've read....

Yesterday's chapter was titled "Mystery". It reflected on how we feel when God just isn't speaking to us, when it seems like He's silent as we're seeking answers or attempting to understand our suffering. Job can relate. I can relate. And I'm sure most of you can too. Job questioned. He struggled for it all to make sense. God didn't explain. He only answered Job's questions with more questions: Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Have you ever in your life commanded the morning...? Have you entered the springs of the sea or walked in the recesses of the deep? Have you entered the storehouses of the snow, or have you seen the storehouses of the hail...? {emphasis mine}

The author explains that God didn't reveal His plan to Job and He doesn't reveal everything to us either. Instead He reveals Himself. But it was one short sentence in the chapter that stopped me in my tracks. The rest of what I read was a blur because all I could think about was these seven difficult words:

God does not owe us an explanation.

And still now, it's so true, but yet I can't get 'past' that truth. After that sentence the author goes on to say that if He did explain the reason for our suffering, we think it would make the suffering easier. But would it? I'd have to agree with her that, no, it would not make the pain more bearable. I would not cry any less tears. My heart would not be any less broken if I knew the whys or what fors.

Over the last weeks, I've felt like the more I learn about God, the more mysterious He seems {if that makes any sense} and the more sovereign I believe Him to be because it is revealed more and more to me that 'His ways are far above our ways'. And so I dare not even ask why {although all along I've always known the answer, which I'm sure I'll share in another post} and I pray I'll come to accept that He doesn't owe me an explanation for my pain. Moreso, I hope that, like Job, since I know who God is, I will be able to accept what God gives , even when I don't understand it.

Still Holding On~