Our business is struggling. Our sole customer can only afford to pay us a fraction of what he was paying before, leaving me feeling....well....desperate. I am not talking about trying to merely afford a certain kind of lifestyle. I am referring to literally having enough money to pay my necessary bills, like my mortgage, food, and electricity. There is nothing left in my budget to cut. No more fat to trim. I am waiting on a miracle.
It feels superficial to talk about holiday festivities or my latest craft project or my little guy's first birthday party, when all I feel like is that things are crashing down around me. I hate to be a downer in the midst of everyone else's joy, but this is just my reality right now. And I'd hate to put on a cheery face {or a cheery blog for that matter} when the truth is something altogether different. Oh, I know all the proper cliches, like God will provide or He loves you and He has a plan for you. But His provision is....non-specific. At least that's how it seems to me. God never promised us a single family home or tasty nutritious food or money for utilities. I guess you could say He would still be caring for us if we had to subsist on boxes of mac & cheese and move in with family or some sort of shelter, right?
As if this matter of money was not stressful enough, God has, er, blessed us with knowledge that we are expecting another baby! I realize {now, after much crying & thought} that although I did not plan this, God was not surprised one bit. He must think that I can handle more than I ever thought I could. I hope He doesn't think that I can handle much more!
So while others are decking the halls, making their last minute Christmas purchases, and spreading holiday cheer, I am battling near constant nausea and wondering how long I can make the five boxes of noodles on my pantry shelf last. During this season of contemplating Christ's humble birth, I am trying not to let my stressful circumstances rob me of my joy. I am thankful that my God is incorruptible, that He is faithful to His promises, and loves His very own children more than the lilies of the field and the birds of the air.
Oh, how I need a miracle these days. I guess it's a good thing that I am clinging to the One in the Miracle Making Business.
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8 comments:
Wow.
I'm so sorry to hear about everything; the customer cuts, the lack of enough money, the non-cheeriness (just because that's not like you).
Congratulations on the new "miracle" on the way!
I'm praying for you. about it all.
Sometimes in the midst of the storm, God knows exactly what we need to see the rainbow. Ethan was at times, my only source of joy. I never would have made it to the other side without his smile, his love, and his innocence. Trust that God knows exactly what you need and your precious miracle baby may be just that. Let me know how I can pray!
A man in the crowd answered, “Teacher, I brought you my son, who is possessed by a spirit that has robbed him of speech. Jesus asked the boy’s father, “How long has he been like this?”
“From childhood,” he answered. “It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.”
“’If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for him who believes.”
Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief! ”
—Mark 9:17, 21–24 (NIV)
This was my scripture for today. I think we are all guilty of unbelief. It's so easy to belive when things are good, when we have money in the bank, food in our pantry, a roof over our heads, and the lights are on. I have felt what you are feeling, been where you are. God's word says: "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. ~Isaiah 55:8-9 There have been many times in the past almost four months that I thought God has gotten it all wrong...that there was no way I could handle all that He has given us to carry...times I even wanted to give up. The great thing is, he doesn't ask you to go through this alone. He says that He will be with you always, He will never leave you or forsake you. It's easy to know all of these with your head. It's tough to get to where it sinks in to your deepest being. My prayer for you is just that. That these would no longer seem like proper cliches, but real truth to you. Thanks for being real. This comes from my heart...from a friend that is getting used to and finally being able to enjoy mac'n cheesing it up. God is so good! Don't let Satan make you belive otherwise.
Becky/Beth-
Oh my, this gave me goosebumps when I read it this morning. Compliments of Erin go to http://prepare.willowcreek.org/calendar.aspx
and click on the nineteenth.
Becky,
I know the feeling not what you wanted to hear, just know every day several times a day when I look at Ellie, my smile comes back and I think Huh, God totally knew she would be good for us at this time, even though I couldn't see it. OR for that matter couldn't FATHOM adding another little one on my already excruciatingly tight budget. But I know you know this, he never makes a mistake and there is something so much bigger in store for you guys, it is the trust that I struggle with.
I am praying for you constantly and am here if you need to cry. I will cry with you. If you need anything please don't hesitate to call. We need to set up that playdate sooner than later.
Love ya girl
Jori
Just goin to say I love ya, cause you know all the rest!
;0)
A time of life comes to mind...
Sean had just been put on home disability and our pay cut to 2/3's of a normal paycheck. I know...that would be great right? Life was uncertain and our sole breadwinner was in a boot cast with strict orders to "rest" and the unknowing if he would ever climb without pain again.
Fast forward two months...to the date when we found out that we were expecting Kendell. I can't tell you how painful it was, how unclear the future was and how unready I was to be a mother to daughter number 5 who was due 15 months after daughter number 4(who I was still nursing).
The road got harder. Our income was decreased and Sean didn't even get his 2/3's. We were desperate and needed a miracle. My belly was getting bigger and the impending doom bubble was getting ready to burst at any moment.
I tell you this because even when I doubted God was there, remembered us or even had a clue of what he was doing he was watching over us. He knew what we needed when we needed it, even when we were too proud to ask.
Two days prior to my delivery of Kendell, Sean got the job that he has now. He started the Monday after I delivered her. God provided for our family in the midst of our doubt and my prayer for you is that you will see your miracle and that God will give you the gift of allowing that miracle to come sooner than later.
And that would ask and allow others to bless you with what God has given them. We all have a little extra but don't always know the need.
Please DO NOT hesitate to email or call me with needs.
Praying and internet ((hugs!))
Wow. Thanks for being honest, Becki. I am sorry to hear how things are going but I'm praying for you and Rick and the kids.
You said it exactly...I am praying that these troubles would not rob you of your joy. That even in the midst of all this you will remember and feel God's goodness.
Please let us know if there's anything we could do to help. Erin's right....it's hard to know sometimes what exactly people need. I don't have much cash but I'd love to hang out and I'm a sweet babysitter. Also, I am still working on using things up in my pantry so I would love to share. You are better at knowing how to use things than I am.
I'm wishing you a joy-filled Christmas! And congratulations on the new baby! That is most exciting news! Thanks for being real.
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