Monday, October 12, 2009

What's next, Lord?

I am still here. Trudging through life. And I want to explain why. Why it's difficult to post as much as I'd like to.

I should probably start this post by turning the calendar back a few months. It was about mid-August and the Husband was merrily driving a dump truck for someone else and was approached about a job opportunity for our small business. After much debate, prayer and wise counsel, we decided to accept this opportunity to do staffing and management for heavy machinery operators for a short-term project, with the hope that more short-term projects would follow. We felt, and still do, that God was leading us in that direction and that His blessing was on our decision. Unfortunately, "short-term" has turned out to be much shorter than we were led to believe and have had only one great month of work.

It was a exciting, sometimes stressful, logistical roller coaster that we have been on, going from the Husband as our only employee to a team of about twelve. I went from crafty, homeschooling, full-time mom, to being the newly crowned CFO of our little company. We were so blessed to have been able to provide work for others who needed it and for that, I am grateful. Now, though, the roller coaster has come to a screeching halt. The job progressed faster than expected. The weather has been rainy here, not conducive to the type of truck work that we have been involved with. So we waited for the ground to dry up. And waited. And waited some more.

Today is the first (partial) day of work for the month of October and the month is nearly half over. No work means no money. We are both scared. We are selling off personal possessions now and the Husband gave his first plasma donation last week. Even amidst much prayer, I have that heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's so difficult not to worry, even though I know that it won't add an hour to my life. I shake my head in disbelief that after all we have gone through already this year that God would still ask more of me. I already feel so beaten down by life and to even think about losing the home that I cherish seems like just more than I could handle. Grief is particularly taxing on a marriage, not to mention the added stress of our job situation. To put it nicely, it just makes things not-so-pretty around here sometimes.

All of that job tumult makes it hard to post about other things. Things like new recipes, what a great privilege it is to be a mom, how much I love fall, the blessing of great friends, the amazing adventure we call homeschooling, and the goodness of and wrestling with God through all these struggles.

Lately when the people that love me casually ask, "So how are you?", I have come up with my own version of an honest & clever answer: Do you want me to tell you the truth or do you want me to say 'fine' just so you can be comfortable?

The Husband has his own answer:

Life is rough, but God is good.

I think I like his better.


Stephanie said...

When I ask you that question, I always want the truth! No matter how rough or ugly it is. I can't guarantee I'll have a good response. But I can always lend a listening ear.

And hopefully one day soon, your answer can be "fine" and you can mean it! :-)

chadandnikki said...

Definitely praying for you. I obviously have no idea all that your marriage is going through, but I do know how grief and Trisomy 18 in particular has affected mine. It's not an easy road for your marriage to take, and that's putting it mildly. Praying for you, your husband, your family, your finances, and your life in general. Much love.

Andrea said...

Speaking of answering honestly...I almost answered VERY honestly when you asked me how our weekend was last night. Eek! It's no good pretending things are fine when they aren't. I'm praying for you and I like Ric's answer too!

Anna said...

Oh Bec, I don't know what to say...other than call me anytime and I'll be expecting the real you, not a sugar-coated version. Next time I'm driving by, I'm stopping, whether you like it or not ;)

Brittany said...

Becki I KNOW where you stand on the toll a loss of a child will bring to a marriage. In fact my husband and I just had a deep hart to hart conversation about the loss of our son. They come far and few between. We just hit what would have been our sons 3rd Birthday. It dosnt get any eaiser and the toll it will pull will always be there but that is when you need to use that toll and pull together.

Saralyn said...

So often I have wondered why God puts us through the stuggles He does, and the only biblical answer I've been able to come up with is that we might know Him better. Truthfully, it doesn't make much sense to my human mind that a loving God gives trouble as a gift, but the choice is between belief and despair.
I am pleading for you, my friend, that you would cling to grace and continue to choose hope.

Jeana said...

Rebecca, will you please email me your mailing address. I have something I want to send you.

I'm so sorry about how things are going right now. You are in my thoughts and prayers

stephanie said...

We are both in what I call Survival Mode! I'll pray for you, and you pray for me! It's scary for sure. I've been faced with the possibility of losing our home. It sucks the life out of you. Hang in there, what else can we do. It will work out.