I wish I could be the Happy Blog. The one where I get to write about my adventures in home decorating or fabulous dinner parties or the excitement of having beautiful twins. Where I post pictures of extraordinary before/after projects or the latest jaunt to my house on the beach.
We are experiencing yet another job loss and it leaves me feeling more like the Previously-Creative-Turned-Mildly-Depressing Blog. It has been about one month (so far) of severe under-employment.
Hopefully this explains the blog silence. It just makes it difficult to keep putting on the cheery face and pretend like it's only a bump in the road. When does something cease to be just a season of my life (that will pass) and start becoming just my life? I wonder.
At first, I was admittedly running from God. Maybe not necessarily running from, but definitely not running towards. I've told myself how ridiculous I am to try to run from Him. "To whom else would we go, Lord?" Difficult times can make it hard to keep in conversation with Him, especially knowing that this hard time passed through His hands first.
I read Mark 4:38 yesterday and am crying out the same thing the disciples did:
Jesus Himself was in the stern, asleep on the cushion; and they woke Him and said to Him, "Teacher, do You not care that we are perishing?"My family boat has been swiftly taking on water and it seems that God must be asleep at the wheel. Oh, I know all the right answers. God has a perfect plan for me, to prosper me. God cares for me. God loves me extravagantly. Does anyone else have a hard time taking those things to heart when their circumstances don't seem to fit with His truths??
The following verses reminded me of His sovereignty over all. HE calms the storm. The winds and the seas obey HIM. And tucked into verse 40 are some really crucial questions:
And He said to them, "Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith?"
It leaves my heart wanting. Wanting to believe. Wanting to trust. Wanting to hope. Even when my head seems to be saying No.